Newsbreaks for Tuesday

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The U.S. Navy said Monday that it is considering deploying specially trained dolphins to keep a base near Seattle safe from terrorism. "It's the perfect solution," a spokesman admitted. "Not only do dolphins' remarkable sonar abilities allow them to detect unauthorized swimmers and divers, their inability to speak makes them perfect scapegoats."

Two years after it became the first state to support so-called intelligent design, the Kansas State School Board is expected to return to the theories of Charles Darwin. "What can I say?" a boardmember explained. "We've evolved."

Last month a substitute teacher in rural Connecticut was convicted of showing a room full of seventh-graders computer porn. The teacher, who blames spyware, is trying to take the long view. "I may spend 40 years behind bars, but I'll spend a lifetime as the coolest sub EVER."

Tuesday, Omar Sharif was ordered to take an anger management course after punching a parking valet who refused to accept his European currency. That's nothing--you should see what he does when you beat him at bridge.

An international team of archaeologists believe that chimpanzees may have been using stone hammers as long as 4,300 years ago. "We also believe they worked very cheap," a researcher said.