Newsbreaks--2.9.07

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After discovering that many of their stadiums do not come up to code, Italian soccer officials have announced that several upcoming games will be played in front of no spectators. That's too bad...Still, it's nice to see after years of trying to convince us to play their type of football, they've given in and started to play our type of soccer.

An evangelical Lutheran church in Atlanta is removing its pastor after he revealed that he had found a same-sex life-partner. A spokesman explained, "Church officials must embody the message of Jesus Christ, so powerfully expressed by His long and fruitful heterosexual marriage."

Investigators believe that George Bush's uncle, William "Bucky" Bush, has profited illegally from a defense contractor involved in the war in Iraq. Mr. Bush's lawyer denied these charges, saying, "If there's one thing the Bush family is against, it's using this war for their own personal gain."

Members of the group The Police are reuniting for a concert at The Grammies, followed by a gig at LA's famed Whiskey-a-Go-Go. The concerts will mark 30 years since the group was formed, and 20 years since anybody gave a shit.

After Anna Nicole Smith was found dead in a Florida hotel room Thursday, her lawyer released a brief statement: "In her too-short life, Anna Nicole gave pleasure to so many people--not just voyeurs looking to distract themselves from their own wretched lives, but also compulsive masterbators. And let's not forget hacky TV joke writers...Obviously, there's a lot of overlap here."