Newsbreaks for Friday

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Thanks to pressure from the NCAA, the University of Illinois will finally retire its mascot, Chief Illiwek. However, the NCAA plans to keep its mascot, the dollar bill.

Lawyers for the estate of Federico Fellini are suing a New York-based pornographer who has used the name "La Dolce Vita" for two gay smut films. "Uh-oh," said filmmaker Andrei Treivas Bregman. "If they don't like those two, they're really gonna hate 8 1/2."

Last night, Paris Hilton attended the Vienna Opera Ball and looked visibly bored through the whole thing. Commentators covering the society event for Austrian TV speculated that Hilton was annoyed by the tepid reaction she got when she stood up and yelled, "Does anybody want to see my cooter?"

Some US consumers who used the internet to order cheap Ambien, Xanax and other popular drugs, ended up getting powerful anti-psychotics instead. An FDA official was blunt. "The only kind of drugs we advocate people buy over the internet is anti-stupid pills."

Said one scammed consumer, "Not only did I end up in the emergency room, those pills did absolutely nothing for the s12e of my peniis."