My friend Mark Bazer has just written a very funny column, which I've pasted below. Enjoy.

Stolen iPhone? There's an App for That

By Mark Bazer
Tribune Media Services
An Open Letter to the Gentleman Who Stole My Wife's iPhone out of Her Hands on the CTA:

Congratulations on your new iPhone! I just know you're going to love it, as it's a fantastic device with an easy-to-use interface and photos of my relatives. Heck, they're now your relatives, too -- we're on the same family plan! That reminds me: It's your turn this year to host Thanksgiving.

But back to your shiny new iPhone, because there are a number of things you should know to ensure it gives you so much enjoyment that you forget your shame.

For starters, it's got plenty of room for music, but we weren't sure what kind you liked. We were hoping Simon and Garfunkel , but if not, just sync that baby up to your PC and create your own mix. (If you don't have a PC, they can be stolen from most homes.)

Also, we had the foresight to buy you the AppleCare protection plan, so your iPhone is covered for two years if anything goes wrong -- with the exception of someone stealing it.

Speaking of which, AT&T, I believe, has a policy that if you steal one of their phones, you're locked into their service for five years. What can I say? The cell-phone companies will beat you every time at the crime game.

Now let me introduce you to the "App" store. My wife, in the one whole month she was using your phone, downloaded some great apps for you. The Facebook app, for example, works just like regular Facebook, and should allow you to easily join the Facebook Groups "iPhone Thieves" and "People Who Make Other People Cry."

My wife also put a great app on there to help if you're planning to redecorate your home, another if you're looking to get into pilates, and another that helps locate the nearest pawn shop.

And finally, the phone's got CTA Tracker, which will be perfect if you're thinking about bringing your line of work to the bus.

Unfortunately, my wife didn't have her iPhone's headphones out when the two of you met. And while other headphones will work with the phone, you really do want the real deal. So, if you plan on being back on the CTA anytime soon, perhaps we can work out a mutually convenient time when you can steal her headphones? She'd also bring the instruction manual.

Finally, just enjoy the iPhone! Use it to enhance your life, but don't let it rule your life. Because if you're too busy staring down at the iPhone, you'll miss the world around you -- a wondrous world full of loose-hanging purses, wallets stuffed in pants' back pockets . . . and people like you.

You can subscribe to Mark's weekly email here.

Read this article…

Humor columnist, interlocutor, and bon vivant Mark Bazer sent me the following. Since I'm a sucker for Beatles humor, I'm reposting it below.

Meet The Piggies
By Mark Bazer

If you haven't heard lately from that friend of yours who is a huge Beatles fan, he's likely squirreled himself away to listen over and over again to the brand-new, incredible-sounding remastered versions of the band's albums. Or he's been in a terrible accident.

Last week, along with the much-anticipated release of a Beatles version of the video game "Frogger" in which you must manuever Ringo across a busy street, the band finally issued a corrective to the shoddy Beatles CDs that have frustrated fans and Charles Manson alike for years.

Most exciting is that you can now buy a $298.98 boxed set of the Beatles CDs in a "mono mix," or how the Beatles initially intended them -- which, I think, means Yoko's vocals have been removed from "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill."

As one of the biggest Beatles fans and the owner of a Sanyo boom box purchased for $60 at Target in the mid-'90s, I must say the remastered albums are a revelation. You've never heard "Yesterday" or "All You Need Is Love" or "Get Back" sound so clear. On the latter, you can practically hear the band breaking up!

But the true standout is the remastered version of "Piggies." The 12th song on the first disc of the "The White Album," the George Harrison-penned "Piggies" can finally be heard in its full glory. When George sings, "Have you seen the little piggies," you want to jump up and say, "Yes, I have!"

The "Abbey Road" album, however, has so far been the best-selling of the remastered discs, and it's easy to see why. This was the band at perhaps its most rocking, and songs like "Come Together" and "Oh! Darling" get a nice sonic boost. But let's get back to "Piggies."

The remastered "Piggies" should finally convince Beatles naysayers of the band's greatness -- and innovativeness. Indeed, when the song's pig sound effects kick in, you can, for the first time, picture swine in the studio alongside the band. Paul McCartney, in fact, says the new CDs "are more like what we heard coming out of the speakers as we made the records." That's quite an interesting assertion, and worth discussing in more detail. Unfortunately, with limited space here, more discussion of "Piggies" takes precedence.

Lennon/McCartney are often hailed as the 20th century's top songwriters, but this new "Piggies" calls into question whether they were even tops in their own band! And as the two-minute-and-four-second "Piggies" reaches its crescendo, George's voice booms with an intensity heretofore never experienced by this listener. "Everywhere there's lots of piggies/Living piggy lives," George tells us -- and, in this biggest gift the newly remastered Beatles catalogue has given us, nobody can any longer doubt this assertion.

Mike again. I just had a flash:
Charlie Manson is walking back to his cell at Vacaville, after finishing his one hour of daily exercise. The guard escorting him asks, "Hey, Charles--you heard these new Beatles CDs?"

"I'm over those guys," Charlie answers bitterly. "They've gone commercial."

The guard wipes his glasses. He's a big black fella, six-three and at least 250 pounds; next to him Charlie's a bleached twig. "Well you should get 'em anyway. The sound is fantastic, totally clear. In fact they sound so good"--the guard leans closer--"I finally understand."

Manson brightens; is he saying what I think he's saying?

"Right in the middle of the 'Helter Skelter,' one of 'em, I think it's Ringo, says, 'Why not pop over to Hollywood for a spot of killing people?'"

"Really?" Manson squeaks.

"Yeah. Right into the mic, clear as day."

Manson hops and claps like an excited child. "I'm so happy! I was beginning to think I was crazy."

They get to Manson's cell. "By the end of the song," the guard says, "I was thinking, 'I've been putting off that race war for too long. Monday morning, first thing.'"

Manson can't believe his ears. Vindication! "That's fantastic!"

"Not for you, white boy." Manson falls mid-giggle as the guard snaps his neck. "Nothing personal, Charles," he says, making a tick-mark on a list. "But you know, budgets don't balance themselves."

Read this article…