Newsbreaks for Friday

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Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix is testing a new, more sensitive type of x-ray scanner that can actually see through clothing. "Not only will this keep passengers safer, it will also save money," an airport official said. "People are working security for free."

If the device doesn't catch on in airports, the manufacturer hopes to sell them to fraternities. "Do you have any idea what the Duke University Lacrosse team could do with one of these babies?"

A KFC in Greenwich Village was closed after early morning passerby saw a dozen rats scurrying around the floor of the restaurant. The cause of the infestation was unknown, but city health officials confirmed that it involved both major species, Original Recipe and Extra Crispy.

[Sorry about that one. Had to be written.]

Slugger Sammy Sosa arrived at Texas Rangers camp today. Even though Sosa clearly isn't the superstar he once was, and has been dogged for years by rumors of steroid use, his new teammates are happy to see him. Said All-Star Mark Teixeira: "We're excited to see what he can bring...I mean, that's a lot easier than having to buy it ourselves."

And finally, Idi Amin's son Jaffir Amin is angry about the way his father was portrayed in the movie The Last King of Scotland. In an interview with Associated Press, Jaffar Amin said, "Dad is the only person that has ever been accused and sentenced...without it ever reaching any courthouse." Well, not exactly the only person--there were those 500,000 Ugandans.

You know what they say, Jaffir: payback is a sweetheart.
It's no wonder Jaffir's a little loopy--would you like to be potty-trained by Idi Amin? "Are you sure you don't have to go? The last child had his head put on a stake."

This news article makes it official: everyone is a victim. Let's reorder Maslow's hierarcy of needs: Air, water, food, sex, need to be a victim.

Just once, I'd like to hear somebody say, "I was a bloodthirsty dictator. I killed 500,000 people, and tortured political opponents, but didn't spend a day in jail. Though mine was a poor country, I lived in luxury, and had 40 children by seven different wives. Then, I fled to Saudi Arabia where I lived out the rest of my life in safety and wealth. After I died, somebody even made a movie about me.

...On the whole, I think I've been treated pretty well."