Newsbreaks for Wednesday (Humboldt squids)

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Oceanographers say that a large, carnivorous species of squid is invading Calfornia’s central coast. They don’t know why the Humboldt squids have appeared, but I think I do. They’re waiting for the next big earthquake. “Dude, trust me—it’ll be sweet.”

Obviously, that’s a long-term plan. In the short-term, the arrival of the squids may mean the end of fishsticks as we know them. The Humboldt dines on Pacific hake, the main fishstick stock. Try to say that five times fast.

The first time a Humboldt was spotted here was in 1997, when it swam past the camera of a submersible. “Hey, I think that squid just flipped me off!”

The squid is really an amazing creature. Not only does it have a large brain—which means it knows exactly what it’s doing, thank you very much—the squid is the only species that resembles both male and female genitals.

The Humboldts used to confine themselves to the warm waters around the equator, but now are ranging more and more widely. This is expected to put pressure on sharks, the squid’s main competitor for food. Discovery Channel has already got the rights to the pay-per-view. “Fifty Humboldts! One Great White! Who will win?”

Scientists say that the squids pose no threat to marine mammals, and human beings are of course completely safe. Sure. That’s what they said at Munich.