Newsbreaks for Tuesday

Audio version is here.

You know what’s wrong with the world today? Too much religious tolerance. Pope Benedict XVI did his part today by releasing a document declaring all other religions bogus. “Christ established here on earth only one church,” the Pope wrote. “I just happen to be the leader of it.”

President Bush praised the announcement. “Benny’s a uniter, not a divider.”

Privately, however, the President was less enthusiastic. “Tell Scalia to quit texting me.”
[pwn3d!!!!11]

But an Anglican official in Rome stressed that “there's the official position, and then there's the huge amount of friendship and fellowship” between Catholics and the rest of the world’s religions. A Vatican official agreed, saying: “We’ll certainly wave at you all down in Hell.”

This document follows one on Saturday which reinstated the Latin Mass. This was seen as a direct attack on American Catholics who, like the rest of us, would rather suffer eternal torment than learn a foreign language.

Observers say this is probably the last of Benedict’s moves to roll back the clock. Then again nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.