Newsbreaks for Monday (Radcliffe's birthday)

Audio version is here.

Today is Daniel Radcliffe’s 18th birthday, which means he now has access to 40 million dollars. And, ten times that many sex partners.

Earlier this year, Radcliffe made his stage debut playing a tortured teenager obsessed with horses in the famous play, “Harry Potter and the Tortured Teenager Obsessed with Horses."

Radcliffe insists the money won’t change him. Change him to what? “I liked Dan before he went Hollywood. Back when he was seven.

There were no limos, no paparazzi. There was just Corgi cars and digging in the dirt with a stick. Spillin’ Kool-Aid down the front of your shirt. Playin’ ‘till the sun went down, then coming home sweaty, tired, and lightly covered in filth.”

I remember one time, Dan and I—that’s what his friends call him, “Dan”—were torturing a grasshopper in front of my Mom’s old house. All of the sudden Dan turns to me and says, “I gotta poop.” Just like that—just like any normal person would say it: “I gotta poop.” So I said, “Go under the porch. That’s what I always do.” But Dan was afraid of spiders—this was before he was a big star. Nowdays, I’m sure he’s got a spider-butler or something.

So I said, “I’ll go in there with you.” Ah, those were the days—hiding under my Mom’s porch, watching Dan Radcliffe poop. That kid was salt of the earth. He even wiped himself with a rock.

When Mom smelled it, I told her it was raccoons. I stuck up for you, Dan—don’t forget me, okay?

I should’ve kept it. Probably would’ve been worth something.