Newsbreaks for Thursday (Oscar the Death Cat)

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A cat in a Providence nursing home seems to be able to predict when someone is going to die. Twenty-five times now, Oscar has climbed into bed with someone, and within two hours, they’re dead. And people wonder why dogs are more popular.

‘Course his odds are pretty good—let’s see how Oscar does at a junior high school.

Staffers at the home say the cat is a godsend: “Now, you take your meds! Don’t make me go get Oscar!”

But frightening old people is just the beginning. One five-minute segment on Al-Jazeera, and the war could be over tomorrow. “Sure, sure, take the oil. Put a Hooters on every corner—just don’t send over the Death Cat!”

I bet Oscar’s getting pretty frustrated. Twenty five times, he climbs into bed, and twenty five times, someone picks him up after the person has kicked off. “Wha-? What are you doing? I was going to eat that!”