Newsbreaks 7.31.07 (Hollywood pigeons)

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Long plagued by piles of pigeon poop, the city of Hollywood has come up with a humane solution: it’s going to give the birds contraceptives. The plan is yet another slap in the face to the Bush Administration, which sponsored the current abstinence-only program.

They’re going to mix a special chemical in with bird food, and scatter it all around the city. “We tried condoms, but they didn’t work. The birds were actually pretty good about wearing them…But they couldn’t put them on without ripping holes in them with their feet.”

Most are applauding the plan as sensible and humane, but a few are worried about the effect on the birds’ morals. A spokesman for Focus on the Family asked, “What kind of message are we sending to our America’s children? I say, we just kill ‘em.”

Moreover, some animal rights activists are concerned about the contraceptive’s effects on the birds’ health. Officials in Hollywood aren’t concerned. “We find that very, very few pigeons smoke.”

Overbreeding may be a problem in Hollywood, but the pigeons next door in West Hollywood are a different story. There, the problem is loud dance music. And a chronic shortage of feather-styling products.

It’s unclear why there are so many pigeons in Hollywood, but a few old-timers think it’s a new twist on the same old story. “Millions of ‘em came into town back in ‘62, when Hitchcock was doing ‘The Birds.’ Every pigeon back East thought it was going to be the next Lassie. I used to see whole flocks of them pooping all over Schwab’s drugstore, hoping to get discovered…But that’s not the way this town works. You can’t just poop on somebody and become a big star. It’s the other way around.”