Newsbreaks for Tuesday

Audio version is here.

I went to school in New Haven. This is what everybody who went to Yale says. They’re just begging you to ask them for more information. Then when you finally pry it out of them, they mumble, “Oh, Yale.” Like “perhaps you’ve heard of it…It’s not much, but we like it.”

Yalies are divided into two groups, those desperate to prove they’re regular guys, and the other kind—we all know what they’re like. I think this comes from going to a really rich school in a really poor town. Or, we all could be assholes.

When I lived there twenty years ago, I called New Haven “yesterday’s city tomorrow.” But I can’t call it that anymore. This week, the city will become the first in the nation to issue ID cards to illegal immigrants. The cards are supposed to help reduce crime by allowing illegals to use banks instead of carrying cash. They will also let the workers use city services, like libraries. So if you want to get on the list for Book Seven in Spanish, call right now.

Naturally, conservative groups all across the country are mobilizing. One based in North Carolina is worried that New Haven’s plan will harbor terrorists. They’re so worried that they’re encouraging illegal immigrants all over the US to move to New Haven, so that they swamp the city’s social services. Wait—who are terrorists?

I love North Carolina. It’s like the South Lite, which means they only want to go back to 1950, instead of 1750. Their state motto should be, “We’re not as batshit as South Carolina, but you can see it from here!”

Illegal immigration is a complex problem, and it’s one that won’t go away. There’s one country filled with people who will risk their lives just to have a decent life, right next to another country filled with people who can’t even get up to change the channel.

Will the cards work? I don’t know. Maybe they’ll start a national conversation, something more than…“Lalalalala—I’m not looking at you, I’m not looking at you…Wait a sec, you missed a spot…Lalalalala…”