Newsbreaks for Tuesday (Lohan's DUI)

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As you probably know already, actress Lindsay Lohan has gotten another DUI. In other news, the sun came up.

Apparently she was chasing her assistant through the streets of Santa Monica. Sorry, her ex-assistant. In Hollywood, if your drunk, coked-up boss is chasing you in her SUV, you get out of the car and let her run you over. That’s called “paying your dues.” Then, when you’ve made it, you can kill your assistant.

My question is, how do I get the media to stop telling me this kind of thing? I thought the whole point of the internet was to let me customize my news so it was, you know, news.

Lindsay Lohan getting wasted is not news. I expect her to be wasted. That’s what Lindsay Lohan is for. In the grand tradition of wackadoo blonde actresses, we expect her to embarrass herself in public until she either one, dies, or two, gets too fat. What other possible future could she have? “Lindsay Lohan discovers new particle”—that would be news. This girl’s only real accomplishment has been entering AA before she was even legal.

Honestly, I wouldn’t even bring it up except that it happened like, eight blocks from my apartment. “So I guess you feel all cool?” No, I feel scared. Seeing Lawrence Fishburne in an IHOP is cool. Dying because Lindsay misheard one of the 12 Steps is not.

I gotta admit, though, she looks pretty good in the photo. Mom always said to me, “Son, marry a girl who takes a good mug shot…You know, just in case.”