Newsbreaks for Thursday

Audio version is here.

Officials for the town of Brattleboro, Vermont, have passed a temporary ordinance banning public nudity. The law is an emergency measure following a recent rash of townspeople airing out their uglies.

All I can say is, one person’s emergency is another person’s tourist attraction. I just wonder if my plane tickets are refundable.

If the law doesn’t work, maybe they’ll call out the Vermont National Guard.

Oh, wait, they can’t. They’re in Iraq, fighting to give women the right to wear less clothing…I’m so confused.

Apparently there’s a lot of nudity in Vermont—during the summertime, at least—but this year, things were getting out of hand. In addition to the usual sunbathing and skinny-dipping, teenagers were riding bikes and holding hula-hoop contests. It got so bad that parents had to start begging their kids to stay inside and play video games. “All that fresh air is bad for you! It makes you…pregnant!”

The last straw came when a senior citizen was spotted in downtown Brattleboro wearing nothing but sneakers and a fanny pack. Naked teenagers are one thing, scrotal dragging is another.

Vermont has a “live-and-let-live” tradition, and Brattleboro, even more so. One townsperson said she guessed nudity “rubs some people the wrong way.” But of course the real problem is, it rubs all people the right way. The really right way. All the chimps in charge are afraid the rest of us are secretly bonobos.

I know which I am. If I could look at naked people all day long, I really don’t think I’d need much else…The thrills! The chills! The excitement! This just might be the way to solve global warming.