Newsbreaks for Monday

Audio version is here.

This morning, I read the following headline: “Robber disguised as tree robs New Hampshire bank.” Sounds like a Newsbreak, right? Practically writes itself, which I like, ‘cause I’m not getting paid. So then I read the story and find out that, in fact, the guy wasn’t wearing a tree costume, he just had leaves and branches duct-taped to his head. Folks, this is why people read comic books.

In real life, The Penguin is some guy who stands on his front lawn all winter with a carton of eggs clamped in his crotch.

And The Joker’s just some dude who wears makeup and likes to goose people.

The guy didn’t even have a gun. He just asked for money, and they gave it to him. “I was afraid he’d give me Dutch Elm disease.”

For obvious reasons, I’m not going to give the name of the bank. They’re pretty embarrassed. Anyway, you probably know it already; it’s the one that goes bankrupt every Halloween.