Dirk Voetberg has done another funny film...

Read this article…

For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.

Long plagued by piles of pigeon poop, the city of Hollywood has come up with a humane solution: it’s going to give the birds contraceptives. The plan is yet another slap in the face to the Bush Administration, which sponsored the current abstinence-only program.

They’re going to mix a special chemical in with bird food, and scatter it all around the city. “We tried condoms, but they didn’t work. The birds were actually pretty good about wearing them…But they couldn’t put them on without ripping holes in them with their feet.”

Most are applauding the plan as sensible and humane, but a few are worried about the effect on the birds’ morals. A spokesman for Focus on the Family asked, “What kind of message are we sending to our America’s children? I say, we just kill ‘em.”

Moreover, some animal rights activists are concerned about the contraceptive’s effects on the birds’ health. Officials in Hollywood aren’t concerned. “We find that very, very few pigeons smoke.”

Overbreeding may be a problem in Hollywood, but the pigeons next door in West Hollywood are a different story. There, the problem is loud dance music. And a chronic shortage of feather-styling products.

It’s unclear why there are so many pigeons in Hollywood, but a few old-timers think it’s a new twist on the same old story. “Millions of ‘em came into town back in ‘62, when Hitchcock was doing ‘The Birds.’ Every pigeon back East thought it was going to be the next Lassie. I used to see whole flocks of them pooping all over Schwab’s drugstore, hoping to get discovered…But that’s not the way this town works. You can’t just poop on somebody and become a big star. It’s the other way around.”

Read this article…

For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.

Film director Ingmar Bergman died today at the age of 89. Reportedly, his last words were, “Hey! No cheating!”

Bergman influenced generations of directors, most notably Woody Allen, who described him as "the greatest film artist since the invention of the motion picture camera." Of course, asking Woody to describe Bergman is like asking John to describe Yoko. In homage to his idol, Allen is expected to die later this week. It all depends on what happens with the financing.

The head of the Cannes Film Festival praised Bergman for showing that “cinema can be as profound as literature. And require just as much reading.” Even Ain’t It Cool News got into the act, calling Bergman “Sweden’s Rob Zombie.”

Bergman was the last link to the golden age of foreign cinema, where themes like alienation, mortality and loss were considered awesome date movies. “What would you do if there was another Black Death? I know what I would do—I’d have sex ALL the time…” Once you get somebody thinking about the fragileness and brevity of our time here on Earth, their brastrap practically unhooks itself.

The intellectual breeds seldom, if at all; Ingmar Bergman helped everybody get laid. And that, to me, is the true definition of genius.

Read this article…

For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.

NASA is reeling after a report yesterday that some of its astronauts have flown drunk. Well, maybe “reeling” isn’t the right word. How about “ashamed and remorseful”?

NASA has a rule stipulating that there be at least 12-hours from “bottle to throttle.” The fact they already have a cute nickname for it doesn’t reassure me. The popular image of astronauts is of clean-living straight-arrows in love with danger and discovery. Now we find out they’re the guys from “Jackass.” “Steve-O was in geosyncronous orbit, holding the funnel. It was AWESOME.”

For years, people have been saying that human astronauts are obsolete, and that robotic missions make more sense. “I’m sorry, Dave, but I think you’re totally wasted.”

People are concerned that NASA’s image problems may make it hard for them to get funding. I think just the opposite is true. Congress loves people who are more incompetent than they are. That’s why they won’t impeach Cheney or Bush. A bunch of drunks in orbit is like a giant space shield covering Congress’s ass. “You think we’re bad? Just look at this video from the International Space Station.”

Still, you have to wonder what this does to NASA’s plans to go to Mars. Maybe nothing. Because science isn’t the point. You want data, you send up a satellite. But only humans can create really great reality TV…“Ares-1, this is Mission Control. You are veering off-course.” “I ain’t off course. I’m going to that bitch’s house.”

Read this article…

For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.

A cat in a Providence nursing home seems to be able to predict when someone is going to die. Twenty-five times now, Oscar has climbed into bed with someone, and within two hours, they’re dead. And people wonder why dogs are more popular.

‘Course his odds are pretty good—let’s see how Oscar does at a junior high school.

Staffers at the home say the cat is a godsend: “Now, you take your meds! Don’t make me go get Oscar!”

But frightening old people is just the beginning. One five-minute segment on Al-Jazeera, and the war could be over tomorrow. “Sure, sure, take the oil. Put a Hooters on every corner—just don’t send over the Death Cat!”

I bet Oscar’s getting pretty frustrated. Twenty five times, he climbs into bed, and twenty five times, someone picks him up after the person has kicked off. “Wha-? What are you doing? I was going to eat that!”

Read this article…

For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.

Oceanographers say that a large, carnivorous species of squid is invading Calfornia’s central coast. They don’t know why the Humboldt squids have appeared, but I think I do. They’re waiting for the next big earthquake. “Dude, trust me—it’ll be sweet.”

Obviously, that’s a long-term plan. In the short-term, the arrival of the squids may mean the end of fishsticks as we know them. The Humboldt dines on Pacific hake, the main fishstick stock. Try to say that five times fast.

The first time a Humboldt was spotted here was in 1997, when it swam past the camera of a submersible. “Hey, I think that squid just flipped me off!”

The squid is really an amazing creature. Not only does it have a large brain—which means it knows exactly what it’s doing, thank you very much—the squid is the only species that resembles both male and female genitals.

The Humboldts used to confine themselves to the warm waters around the equator, but now are ranging more and more widely. This is expected to put pressure on sharks, the squid’s main competitor for food. Discovery Channel has already got the rights to the pay-per-view. “Fifty Humboldts! One Great White! Who will win?”

Scientists say that the squids pose no threat to marine mammals, and human beings are of course completely safe. Sure. That’s what they said at Munich.

Read this article…

For best viewing, allow the video to load completely. Audio version is here.

As you probably know already, actress Lindsay Lohan has gotten another DUI. In other news, the sun came up.

Apparently she was chasing her assistant through the streets of Santa Monica. Sorry, her ex-assistant. In Hollywood, if your drunk, coked-up boss is chasing you in her SUV, you get out of the car and let her run you over. That’s called “paying your dues.” Then, when you’ve made it, you can kill your assistant.

My question is, how do I get the media to stop telling me this kind of thing? I thought the whole point of the internet was to let me customize my news so it was, you know, news.

Lindsay Lohan getting wasted is not news. I expect her to be wasted. That’s what Lindsay Lohan is for. In the grand tradition of wackadoo blonde actresses, we expect her to embarrass herself in public until she either one, dies, or two, gets too fat. What other possible future could she have? “Lindsay Lohan discovers new particle”—that would be news. This girl’s only real accomplishment has been entering AA before she was even legal.

Honestly, I wouldn’t even bring it up except that it happened like, eight blocks from my apartment. “So I guess you feel all cool?” No, I feel scared. Seeing Lawrence Fishburne in an IHOP is cool. Dying because Lindsay misheard one of the 12 Steps is not.

I gotta admit, though, she looks pretty good in the photo. Mom always said to me, “Son, marry a girl who takes a good mug shot…You know, just in case.”

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Today is Daniel Radcliffe’s 18th birthday, which means he now has access to 40 million dollars. And, ten times that many sex partners.

Earlier this year, Radcliffe made his stage debut playing a tortured teenager obsessed with horses in the famous play, “Harry Potter and the Tortured Teenager Obsessed with Horses."

Radcliffe insists the money won’t change him. Change him to what? “I liked Dan before he went Hollywood. Back when he was seven.

There were no limos, no paparazzi. There was just Corgi cars and digging in the dirt with a stick. Spillin’ Kool-Aid down the front of your shirt. Playin’ ‘till the sun went down, then coming home sweaty, tired, and lightly covered in filth.”

I remember one time, Dan and I—that’s what his friends call him, “Dan”—were torturing a grasshopper in front of my Mom’s old house. All of the sudden Dan turns to me and says, “I gotta poop.” Just like that—just like any normal person would say it: “I gotta poop.” So I said, “Go under the porch. That’s what I always do.” But Dan was afraid of spiders—this was before he was a big star. Nowdays, I’m sure he’s got a spider-butler or something.

So I said, “I’ll go in there with you.” Ah, those were the days—hiding under my Mom’s porch, watching Dan Radcliffe poop. That kid was salt of the earth. He even wiped himself with a rock.

When Mom smelled it, I told her it was raccoons. I stuck up for you, Dan—don’t forget me, okay?

I should’ve kept it. Probably would’ve been worth something.

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

This morning, the Bay Area was struck by a small earthquake. Well, I guess somebody didn’t like the way Harry Potter ended.

The earthquake was minor—easy for me to say, right?—but officials for the US Geological Survey stuck up for it: “There are no small earthquakes,” they said. “Only small cities.”

They’re very protective of their quakes, over there at the US Geological Survey. I wouldn’t go so far as to say they ROOT for them, but…

They all cluster around the seismograph chanting, “Go! Go! Go!”

They quake struck at around 4:40 in the morning, and knocked out power to about 1,000 people. Pacific Gas and Electric said that they were investigating the cause of the outage. How’d you like to have that job? “I’m not sure, but I think it was an earthquake.”

The only major damage was reported by an employee at a Safeway in Berkeley. Two large plate-glass windows were broken. “At first I didn’t think ‘earthquake,’” the guy said. “I thought, ‘Awesome—the revolution has started!…My blog actually worked!”

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Officials for the town of Brattleboro, Vermont, have passed a temporary ordinance banning public nudity. The law is an emergency measure following a recent rash of townspeople airing out their uglies.

All I can say is, one person’s emergency is another person’s tourist attraction. I just wonder if my plane tickets are refundable.

If the law doesn’t work, maybe they’ll call out the Vermont National Guard.

Oh, wait, they can’t. They’re in Iraq, fighting to give women the right to wear less clothing…I’m so confused.

Apparently there’s a lot of nudity in Vermont—during the summertime, at least—but this year, things were getting out of hand. In addition to the usual sunbathing and skinny-dipping, teenagers were riding bikes and holding hula-hoop contests. It got so bad that parents had to start begging their kids to stay inside and play video games. “All that fresh air is bad for you! It makes you…pregnant!”

The last straw came when a senior citizen was spotted in downtown Brattleboro wearing nothing but sneakers and a fanny pack. Naked teenagers are one thing, scrotal dragging is another.

Vermont has a “live-and-let-live” tradition, and Brattleboro, even more so. One townsperson said she guessed nudity “rubs some people the wrong way.” But of course the real problem is, it rubs all people the right way. The really right way. All the chimps in charge are afraid the rest of us are secretly bonobos.

I know which I am. If I could look at naked people all day long, I really don’t think I’d need much else…The thrills! The chills! The excitement! This just might be the way to solve global warming.

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Archeologists in Ventura, CA, have discovered a pair of 130-year-old outhouses. They’re calling it a treasure-trove. So far they’ve unearthed a pistol, a knife, whiskey flasks, two dog skulls, and a set of false teeth. All I can say is, if that’s “treasure,” you guys would make really bad pirates.

Of course, we are talking about California. “Kids, look—according to this plaque, this McDonald’s has been here since 1963.”

My Mom loves to read plaques. That’s why she likes Europe so much—the plaques are more entertaining. You know what Europeans call a 130-year-old outhouse? “The outhouse.”

The archeologists say that the deeper they dig, the worse it smells. And the worst part is, they have to use those little trowels. They have get right down in it, that’s the Archeologist’s Code.

I can imagine one of them saying to the other, “Think the Holy Grail’s buried down here?”
“What?”
“I said, ‘Do you think the Holy Grail’s down here?’”
“Nah.”
“Then I’m breaking out the freakin’ dynamite.”

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

I went to school in New Haven. This is what everybody who went to Yale says. They’re just begging you to ask them for more information. Then when you finally pry it out of them, they mumble, “Oh, Yale.” Like “perhaps you’ve heard of it…It’s not much, but we like it.”

Yalies are divided into two groups, those desperate to prove they’re regular guys, and the other kind—we all know what they’re like. I think this comes from going to a really rich school in a really poor town. Or, we all could be assholes.

When I lived there twenty years ago, I called New Haven “yesterday’s city tomorrow.” But I can’t call it that anymore. This week, the city will become the first in the nation to issue ID cards to illegal immigrants. The cards are supposed to help reduce crime by allowing illegals to use banks instead of carrying cash. They will also let the workers use city services, like libraries. So if you want to get on the list for Book Seven in Spanish, call right now.

Naturally, conservative groups all across the country are mobilizing. One based in North Carolina is worried that New Haven’s plan will harbor terrorists. They’re so worried that they’re encouraging illegal immigrants all over the US to move to New Haven, so that they swamp the city’s social services. Wait—who are terrorists?

I love North Carolina. It’s like the South Lite, which means they only want to go back to 1950, instead of 1750. Their state motto should be, “We’re not as batshit as South Carolina, but you can see it from here!”

Illegal immigration is a complex problem, and it’s one that won’t go away. There’s one country filled with people who will risk their lives just to have a decent life, right next to another country filled with people who can’t even get up to change the channel.

Will the cards work? I don’t know. Maybe they’ll start a national conversation, something more than…“Lalalalala—I’m not looking at you, I’m not looking at you…Wait a sec, you missed a spot…Lalalalala…”

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

For centuries, human beings have dreamed of colonizing Mars. And why not? I mean, we’ve done so well with this planet. Now scientists say they might actually be able to do it. ‘Course, it won’t be easy: Mars has a rocky, desert-like surface, fierce ultra-violet radiation, and an atmosphere loaded with carbon dioxide. In other words, it’s the Valley.

The plan would be to pump greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, introduce bacteria to start photosynthesis and finally plant trees. So it won’t be anything like the movies; it’ll be more like driving Hummers filled with pinecones and yogurt.

NASA says the project would be called off if any life was found to already exist on Mars. Oh, sure it would. “Okay, everybody: put the vast mineral wealth back. We all gotta leave. Steve found lichen.”

If humans ever did colonize Mars, the low gravity there would cause people to grow extremely tall. Short kids would go there for summer camp. I can already see the ads in the back of The New York Times Sunday Magazine.

And of course there would be the usual corporate interest. “I claim this planet in the name of the National Basketball Association!”

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Officials for the Taste of Chicago admitted today that some visitors to the festival got salmonella and had to be taken to the hospital. “I’m such an idiot,” one patient said. “I saw the sign and thought, ‘Oh, that’s just Italian for “little salmon.”’”

For those of you who’ve never been to “the Taste,” it’s a 10-day swath of blacktop offering food from local restaurants. They all set up booths, and all the booths have signs like “Try our 95-degree tunafish.”

That’s the thing about the Taste. Every year, it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. Only at the Taste, they make you eat it. And then charge you eight dollars.

Literally millions of people come through every year, mostly tourists from tiny little towns all over the Midwest. I can just imagine one of them sitting in a porta-potty, and thinking, “Now I know why them big city folks always walk so fast.”

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

The President spoke to the press today, and it was vintage Bush. All the elements were there:
[ __ bogus sincerity]
[ __ defiant condescension]
[ __ refusal to acknowledge reality]
[ __ fake-folksy self-congratulation]

He started off by mentioning the death of Lady Bird Johnson.
[ x bogus sincerity]

He told people angry over his pardon of “Scooter” Libby that “it was time to move on.”
[ x defiant condescension]

He called any future withdrawal from Iraq “a disaster.”
[ x refusal to acknowledge reality]

And he finished by saying, “if you ever come down and visit the old, tired me down there in Crawford, I will be able to say I looked in the mirror and made decisions based upon principle, not based upon politics.”
[ x fake-folksy self-congratulation]

During the speech, Bush told the press that we’ve entered a new stage in Iraq, something called “Phase IV.” According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, this is “Depression.”

But he’s not depressed—that’s our job. He’s defiant. He acts like Iraq is something he inherited from those idiots in the first Bush Administration. Our President is definitely the kind of guy who gets mad at YOU when he loses his keys.

Privately, a lot of people in Washington are saying that Mr. Bush is drinking again. My question is, “How could you tell?”

Read this article…

I noticed today that if you start playing a video before it is totally uploaded to your machine, there can be weird lags in the video that totally screw up the jokes.

Anybody else have this problem? Punchlines and images not synching up? Makes the whole thing kinda sucky, to be honest.

My only suggestion is to let it load fully before playing. Any video dudes have thoughts?

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

People have asked, “Why aren’t Newsbreaks more popular?” Up ‘til now my answer has been, people are obviously watching them in large groups in front of their computers. So if YouTube says “4 views,” the real viewership is somewhere around 50,000 people.

But now science has given me a whole new excuse. Researchers at Washington University in St. Louis have found that people’s understanding of jokes decreases as they get older. And as we know, most people who use the Internet are well over 65.

Participants in the study were given several panels of a cartoon strip, then asked to pick the funniest ending. Younger adults did 14% better than older ones, and both groups totally destroyed the woman who draws “Cathy.”

“We’ve solved a pair of the world’s great mysteries,” one researcher said. “Why strips like ‘B.C.’ and ‘Beetle Bailey’ have sucked for decades…and why newspaper editors keep running them.”

So what appeared to be bad taste is actually degenerating brains.

The scientists tested two groups: adults over 65, and a bunch of students from the University. Their recommendation is simple: “Old people should smoke more pot. That makes EVERYTHING funny.”

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

You know what’s wrong with the world today? Too much religious tolerance. Pope Benedict XVI did his part today by releasing a document declaring all other religions bogus. “Christ established here on earth only one church,” the Pope wrote. “I just happen to be the leader of it.”

President Bush praised the announcement. “Benny’s a uniter, not a divider.”

Privately, however, the President was less enthusiastic. “Tell Scalia to quit texting me.”
[pwn3d!!!!11]

But an Anglican official in Rome stressed that “there's the official position, and then there's the huge amount of friendship and fellowship” between Catholics and the rest of the world’s religions. A Vatican official agreed, saying: “We’ll certainly wave at you all down in Hell.”

This document follows one on Saturday which reinstated the Latin Mass. This was seen as a direct attack on American Catholics who, like the rest of us, would rather suffer eternal torment than learn a foreign language.

Observers say this is probably the last of Benedict’s moves to roll back the clock. Then again nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

This morning, I read the following headline: “Robber disguised as tree robs New Hampshire bank.” Sounds like a Newsbreak, right? Practically writes itself, which I like, ‘cause I’m not getting paid. So then I read the story and find out that, in fact, the guy wasn’t wearing a tree costume, he just had leaves and branches duct-taped to his head. Folks, this is why people read comic books.

In real life, The Penguin is some guy who stands on his front lawn all winter with a carton of eggs clamped in his crotch.

And The Joker’s just some dude who wears makeup and likes to goose people.

The guy didn’t even have a gun. He just asked for money, and they gave it to him. “I was afraid he’d give me Dutch Elm disease.”

For obvious reasons, I’m not going to give the name of the bank. They’re pretty embarrassed. Anyway, you probably know it already; it’s the one that goes bankrupt every Halloween.

Read this article…

Dennis Perrin has written an excellent music-review spoof.

And Dirk Voetberg would like to introduce you to...The Enigma!

Read this article…

Keith Olbermann's "Special Comment" in the wake of the Libby commutation is 100% correct. Watch the video here.

For those of you who prefer to read, the transcript is below, but the take-away is simple: Bush and Cheney must resign for the good of the country, and since they won't, Congress must impeach them.

"Finally tonight, as promised, a Special Comment on what is, in everything but name, George Bush’s pardon of Scooter Libby.

“I didn’t vote for him,” an American once said, “But he’s my president, and I hope he does a good job.”

That — on this eve of the 4th of July — is the essence of this democracy, in seventeen words.

And that is what President Bush threw away yesterday in commuting the sentence of Lewis “Scooter” Libby.

The man who said those seventeen words — improbably enough — was the actor John Wayne.

And Wayne, an ultra-conservative, said them, when he learned of the hair’s-breadth election of John F. Kennedy instead of his personal favorite, Richard Nixon in 1960.

“I didn’t vote for him but he’s my president, and I hope he does a good job.”

The sentiment was doubtlessly expressed earlier. But there is something especially appropriate about hearing it, now, in Wayne’s voice.

The crisp matter-of-fact acknowledgement that we have survived, even though for nearly two centuries now, our Commander-in-Chief has also served, simultaneously, as the head of one political party and often the scourge of all others.

We as citizens must, at some point, ignore a president’s partisanship. Not that we may “prosper” as a nation, not that we may “achieve”, not that we may “lead the world” — but merely that we may “function.”

But just as essential to the seventeen words of John Wayne is an implicit trust — a sacred trust:That the president for whom so many did not vote, can in turn suspend his political self long enough, and for matters imperative enough, to conduct himself solely for the benefit of the entire Republic.

Our generation’s willingness to state “we didn’t vote for him, but he’s our president, and we hope he does a good job,” was tested in the crucible of history, and far earlier than most. And in circumstances more tragic and threatening.

And we did that with which history tasked us.

We enveloped “our” President in 2001.

And those who did not believe he should have been elected — indeed, those who did not believe he had been elected — willingly lowered their voices and assented to the sacred oath of non-partisanship.

And George W. Bush took our assent, and re-configured it, and honed it, and sharpened it to a razor-sharp point, and stabbed this nation in the back with it.

Were there any remaining lingering doubt otherwise, or any remaining lingering hope, it ended yesterday when Mr. Bush commuted the prison sentence of one of his own staffers.

Did so even before the appeals process was complete…

Did so without as much as a courtesy consultation with the Department of Justice…

Did so despite what James Madison –at the Constitutional Convention — said about impeaching any president who pardoned or sheltered those who had committed crimes “advised by” that president…

Did so without the slightest concern that even the most detached of citizens must look at the chain of events and wonder:

To what degree was Mr. Libby told: break the law however you wish — the President will keep you out of prison?

In that moment, Mr. Bush, you broke that fundamental compact between yourself and the majority of this nation’s citizens — the ones who did not cast votes for you.

In that moment, Mr. Bush, you ceased to be the President of the United States.

In that moment, Mr. Bush, you became merely the President… of a rabid and irresponsible corner of the Republican Party.

And this is too important a time, sir, to have a Commander-in-Chief who puts party over nation.

This has been, of course, the gathering legacy of this Administration. Few of its decisions have escaped the stain of politics.

The extraordinary Karl Rove has spoken of “a permanent Republican majority,” as if such a thing — or a permanent Democratic majority — is not antithetical to that upon which rests: our country, our history, our revolution, our freedoms.

Yet our democracy has survived shrewder men than Karl Rove.

And it has survived the frequent stain of politics upon the fabric of government.

But this administration, with ever-increasing insistence and almost theocratic zealotry, has turned that stain… into a massive oil spill.

The protection of the environment is turned over to those of one political party, who will financially benefit from the rape of the environment.

The protections of the Constitution are turned over to those of one political party, who believe those protections unnecessary and extravagant and “quaint.”

The enforcement of the laws is turned over to those of one political party, who will swear beforehand that they will not enforce those laws.

The choice between war and peace is turned over to those of one political party, who stand to gain vast wealth by ensuring that there is never peace, but only war.

And now, when just one cooked book gets corrected by an honest auditor…

When just one trampling of the inherent and inviolable “fairness” of government is rejected by an impartial judge…

When just one wild-eyed partisan is stopped by the figure of blind justice…

This President decides that he, and not the law, must prevail.

I accuse you, Mr. Bush, of lying this country into war.

I accuse you of fabricating in the minds of your own people, a false implied link between Saddam Hussein and 9/11.

I accuse you of firing the generals who told you that the plans for Iraq were disastrously insufficient.

I accuse you of causing in Iraq the needless deaths of 3,586 of our brothers and sons, and sisters and daughters, and friends and neighbors.

I accuse you of subverting the Constitution, not in some misguided but sincerely-motivated struggle to combat terrorists, but instead to stifle dissent.

I accuse you of fomenting fear among your own people, of creating the very terror you claim to have fought.

I accuse you of exploiting that unreasoning fear, the natural fear of your own people who just want to live their lives in peace, as a political tool to slander your critics and libel your opponents.

I accuse you of handing part of this republic over to a Vice President who is without conscience, and letting him run roughshod over it.

And I accuse you now, Mr. Bush, of giving, through that Vice President, carte blanche to Mr. Libby, to help defame Ambassador Joseph Wilson by any means necessary, to lie to Grand Juries and Special Counsel and before a court, in order to protect the mechanisms and particulars of that defamation, with your guarantee that Libby would never see prison, and, in so doing, as Ambassador Wilson himself phrased it here last night, of you becoming an accessory to the obstruction of justice.

When President Nixon ordered the firing of the Watergate special prosecutor Archibald Cox during the infamous “Saturday Night Massacre” on October 20th, 1973, Mr. Cox initially responded tersely, and ominously:

“Whether ours shall be a government of laws and not of men, is now for Congress, and ultimately, the American people.”

President Nixon did not understand how he had crystallized the issue of Watergate for the American people.

It had been about the obscure meaning behind an attempt to break in to a rival party’s headquarters; and the labyrinthine effort to cover-up that break-in and the related crimes.

But in one night, Nixon transformed it.

Watergate — instantaneously — became a simpler issue: a President overruling the inexorable march of the law. Of insisting — in a way that resonated viscerally with millions who had not previously understood — that he was the law.

Not the Constitution.

Not the Congress.

Not the Courts.

Just him.

Just - Mr. Bush - as you did, yesterday.

The twists and turns of Plame-Gate, your precise and intricate lies that sent us into this bottomless pit of Iraq; your lies upon the lies to discredit Joe Wilson; your lies upon the lies upon the lies to throw the sand at the “referee” of Prosecutor Fitzgerald’s analogy… these are complex and often painful to follow, and too much, perhaps, for the average citizen.

But when other citizens render a verdict against your man, Mr. Bush — and then you spit in the faces of those jurors and that judge and the judges who were yet to hear the appeal — the average citizen understands that, sir.

It’s the fixed ballgame and the rigged casino and the pre-arranged lottery all rolled into one — and it stinks. And they know it.

Nixon’s mistake, the last and most fatal of them, the firing of Archibald Cox, was enough to cost him the presidency.

And in the end, even Richard Nixon could say he could not put this nation through an impeachment.

It was far too late for it to matter then, but as the decades unfold, that single final gesture of non-partisanship, of acknowledged responsibility not to self, not to party, not to “base,” but to country, echoes loudly into history.

Even Richard Nixon knew it was time to resign

Would that you could say that, Mr. Bush.

And that you could say it for Mr. Cheney.

You both crossed the Rubicon yesterday.

Which one of you chose the route, no longer matters.

Which is the ventriloquist, and which the dummy, is irrelevant.

But that you have twisted the machinery of government into nothing more than a tawdry machine of politics, is the only fact that remains relevant.

It is nearly July 4th, Mr. Bush, the commemoration of the moment we Americans decided that rather than live under a King who made up the laws, or erased them, or ignored them — or commuted the sentences of those rightly convicted under them — we would force our independence, and regain our sacred freedoms.

We of this time — and our leaders in Congress, of both parties — must now live up to those standards which echo through our history:

Pressure, negotiate, impeach — get you, Mr. Bush, and Mr. Cheney, two men who are now perilous to our Democracy, away from its helm.

And for you, Mr. Bush, and for Mr. Cheney, there is a lesser task.

You need merely achieve a very low threshold indeed.

Display just that iota of patriotism which Richard Nixon showed, on August 9th, 1974.

Resign.

And give us someone — anyone – about whom all of us might yet be able to quote John Wayne, and say, “I didn’t vote for him, but he’s my president, and I hope he does a good job.”

Good night, and good luck."

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Hurry up. You only have until five o’clock Eastern time to vote for the new Seven Wonders of the World. No, you can’t vote for “my wang.” They won’t take it. Don’t ask me how I know this.

The voting was initially dominated by Latin America and Asia, but in recent weeks there’s been a surge of voters from Europe and the US. This may explain the surprising emergence of the new front-runner, “New Berry Blast Doritos.”

The campaign was begun in 1999 by a Swiss adventurer named Bernard Weber. “Adventurer” is a polite way of saying, “Can’t hold a job.”

But even the chronically unemployed can come up with a good idea—(cough “Barry Trotter”). Weber’s campaign has netted over 90,000,000 votes world-wide. That’s the heartwarming part. Unfortunately, they’re being tallied by Diebold.

So don’t be surprised if you wake up tomorrow and Dick Cheney is Emperor.

“Who wants to impeach me NOW?”

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

People are flocking to a zoo in Germany to take a gander at a zebrula. That’s a cross between a horse and a zebra. “It’s known for its skills in magic.”

Zebrulas have been around since the 19th Century. It was a popular pastime among the Victorians to put animals together to see if they would “do it.”

Sexual repression does strange things to people.

Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany spent twenty years trying to create the “Turtlion,” hoping to forge a hybrid army that would help him conquer the world.

Actually, when I look at this photo, I don’t think “hybrid species.” I think “trip to Home Depot.”

“Do you have a flat white latex suitable for horses?’

Read this article…

...by not working. So I'm not doing Newsbreaks today. Instead, I may go to the beach, or work on a book, or research a troublesome medical condition. THAT's the way to celebrate independence.

In the meantime, I've added some pals to the blogroll:
--Dennis Perrin's new site;
--"writer, actor, and radio guy" Charlie Schroeder;
--and comedian Dirk Voetberg.

See you tomorrow!

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

According to the AP, the owners of “Dracula’s Castle” in Romania are putting it up for sale. Marilyn Manson just called his accountant.

The Habsburg family (yes, those Hapsburgs, not the Schenectady Habsburgs) are asking for $135 million. Or its equivalent in virgins.

450,000 people a year visit the museum, mostly Goth couples looking to put a little zing back in the relationshipr.

According to legend, the notorious Vlad the Impaler spent one night in Bran Castle back in the 1400s. Why only one night, I wonder? “These stakes are too round! I specifically asked for a seven-o’clock wake up and ten sharp stakes! What am I supposed to do, beat someone? Is my name Vlad the Beater? No, it’s Vlad the Impaler!…I swear, I’ll never trust Travelocity again.”

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Hey, has anybody else heard about this new thing called the iPhone? Some guy just told me Apple is making a cell phone or something. If I find out any more about it, I’ll tell you.

Seriously, Geekoamericans are going bonkers for this thing. There haven’t been lines like these since the last Star Wars movie...Okay, bad example.

Before it came out, people were worried that the touchscreen would scratch. I say that's a small price to pay for being able to browse the web with my tongue.

Some people have been taking them apart, to find out how they’re made. “There’s a little man in there, I just know it.”

When I came home Saturday, my wife said. "Is that an iPhone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?...Oh. I was hoping it was an iPhone.

Read this article…