Newsbreaks for Thursday

Audio version is here.

Naturalists report that a lake in Southern Chile has mysteriously disappeared. “We checked it in March,” said Juan Jose Romero of Chile's National Forestry Corporation. But when Romero’s team went back in May, there was nothing there. “Then everybody started saying, ‘Juan took the lake!” “You totally did.” “I did not, shut up…Idiot.”

Chilean officials are appealing to the community, going door-to-door and asking them to report any suspicious activity, “especially by wet people.”

“We’re not interested in prosecuting,” one local resident said. “Just hurry up and give it back—I can’t pee on dry land…It’s a thing I have.”

There was nothing left at the bottom of the lake but a few chunks of ice. “At first, I was thinking, ‘Supervillain,” Romero said. Then he saw the note: “If you can’t take care of this planet, I’m going to have to take it away from you. Signed, God.’