Newsbreaks for Friday

Audio version is here.

In a surprise visit to Iraq, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates called our war there “a very mixed picture.” Yes, mixed, as in all the components of vomit.

Gates’ comment came after a week of speculation that the US military was not being candid about the war. General David Petraeus talked about pockets of “normalcy” in the country, singling out things like soccer fields sporting real grass. Yep, there’s no end to what billions of dollars can do—just ask kids in the ghetto.

It’s all part of a nefarious plan to get poor kids to enlist. “I joined up for the Parks and Rec. Can you believe it? All the hoops over here have nets!”

Petreaus also mentioned Iraq’s thriving amusement parks. “Step right up, and win an George Bush kewpie doll. You can stick pins in it, hang it in effigy…You sir—wouldn’t your girl like her own American flag? 100% flammable!”

Sunni, Shi’ia or Kurd, Iraq is united in one thing: they all think this guy’s creepy.