Newsbreaks for Monday

Audio version is here.

A high school senior in suburban Chicago has been arrested for instigating a massive food fight. Even the kids at the special-ed table got into it. They were trying to throw noodles.

“People were actually buying food to throw it,” said one kid. I can just imagine the marketing meeting. “Think, people! How do we make our pizza more aerodynamic? How can we give our slushies more stopping power!”

A man in Poland has awakened after spending 19 years in a coma. Reportedly, his first words were, “George Bush is still President?”