Newsbreaks for Wednesday

Audio version is here.

Text:
A study out today claims that New York City produces one percent of our nation’s greenhouse gases. I blame these.

[picture of steam vent]

I meant the steam vent, but the SUV works, too.

In an effort to reach its goal of reducing emissions 30% by 2030, the Bloomberg Administration has been aggressive in promoting green building and alternative fuel vehicles. But the real prime movers in the effort will have to be Ray’s Solar Panels, Ray’s Original Solar Panels, and Ray’s Famous Original Solar Panels.

Scientists have made a new flu vaccine using yellow striped caterpillars instead of hen eggs. “We’re pleased and relieved,” said one of the researchers. “We got pretty depressed after the caterpillar omelets.”

The Washington Post reports that the White House is considering naming a high-powered official to oversee our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Wait—I thought somebody was already doing that.

[chagrined picture of Bush]

And what will this new Cabinet-level position be called? “Blame Him.”