Newsbreaks for Monday

Audio version is here.

Text:
Sallie Mae, the nation’s largest provider of student loans, is being sold to a group of private investors. Unfortunately for students, the group is led by this man.
[picture of Tony Soprano]

ConocoPhillips and Tyson Foods are teaming up to produce diesel fuel made from beef, pork and poultry fat. “Quickly, Robin—to the schmaltzmobile!”

You know what this is leading to, don’t you? “Obesity—our most precious natural resource.”

A study has revealed that teens enrolled in abstinence classes are just as likely to have sex as teens who aren’t. On the other hand, the Abstinence final’s really easy.

The study said that both groups even had sex at the same average age: 14.9 years. Wow—that means for everybody out there who waits until marriage, there’s a really creepy five-year-old.