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Beachgoers in Southern California have been discovering the corpses of dolphins and other sea mammals. Experts believe that the culprit is a certain type of toxic acid. “They freak out and forget how to swim,” said one. “We’ve GOT to find their dealer.”

A Japanese company is selling a new patch that tells you if you pet is feeling stressed. The patch is attached to pet’s paw-pad, where it measures sweat secretion. Unfortunately, you know what stresses out a pet? Having something weird stuck to the bottom of its foot.

And finally, Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani released a list of his New Hampshire supporters last week, only to find that many of the people listed don’t actually support him. “I really apologize,” said the candidate. “We never should’ve hired Diebold.”

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Last night, in the first debate of the 2008 Presidential race, Senator Barack Obama said that we are one signature away from ending the war in Iraq. “Hell,” Obama said, “he can even print.”

“G…E…O…”

In an effort to restrict kids’ access to junk food, the Institute of Medicine has come up with new nutritional standards for foods available in America’s schools. The standards have won strong support from parents, nutritionists, and the owner of the 7-Eleven a block away.

Said an Institute official, “We look forward to the day when all of America’s children will have the chance to pay for Harvard by selling blackmarket Oreos.”

In a bid to raise money for the blind, a blind pilot is attempting to fly a plane around the world. Here’s the man. And here’s his plane. [flight simulator box]

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Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has rejected a Congressional subpoena regarding Saddam and WMD. "This is an issue that has been answered and answered and answered," Rice said. “I’m immoral, I’m irresponsible, and I’m an idiot.”

Rice says she respects the oversight role of the legislative branch, but it’s that special kind of respect usually reserved for a dog pooping on your lawn.

A new study shows that meth addicts living in rural areas begin using at a younger age, are more likely to use the drug intravenously and are more likely to be psychotic. Sure, these two look normal…

Stephen Hawking experienced a few seconds freed from his wheelchair today, as he rode in a jet that dives to give its passengers a sense of zero-gravity. The physicist is working on a book about the experience, “A Brief History of Booting All Over Myself.”

['bot voice: “Look out, dude! I’m totally going to hurl”]

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America took another step towards “grandpa-ocracy” today, as Arizona Senator John McCain announced his Presidential candidacy. Speaking in New Hampshire, he said that America was fighting “a global struggle with violent extremists.” And that’s just the Bush Administration.

The candidate went on to pledge that he would work with anyone who was sincere about solving the country's problems. And all across the nation, Charlie-Brown Democrats began running at the football…

Astronomers in Chile have discovered a planet outside our solar system that is potentially habitable. Researchers described Tuesday’s find as a big step in the search for “another place to ruin.”

Finally, Rosie O’Donnell has announced that she’s leaving “The View” as of June. I call this photo, “I just sat in something cold.”

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A week after the massacre at Virginia Tech, students at Baghdad Technology University are expressing their sympathy and solidarity. This banner reads, “Are you accepting transfer applications?”

As far as how to heal, the Iraqi kids recommend prayer. You know the old saying: there are no atheists in lecture.

The Baghdad Tech kids know what they’re talking about. After all, their mascot is the…duck!

President Bush is defying attempts by the Congress to set a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq. In 2006, “the American people did not vote for failure,” President Bush said. No, George, that was 2004.

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The Kremlin announced today that former Russian leader Boris Yeltsin has died at age 76. The cause of Mr. Yeltsin’s death was described as “heart failure,” but alcoholism is demanding a recount.

The Veterans Administration has agreed to allow the pentagram, or five-pointed star, to be used on grave markers. “We’re very pleased by this,” said Wiccan officials. “We’re also very pleased by this,” said teenage boys looking for something cool to steal.

A fast-fingered girl from Pennsylvania has captured $25,000 for winning the world’s first text-messaging contest. When she learned of the judges’ decision, 13-year-old Morgan Pozgar screamed “OMFG! OMFG! Smiley! Smiley! Smiley!”

And finally, a new study refutes the claim that using a cell phone while driving is no more dangerous than talking a fellow passenger. Researchers in Austrailia have found it’s actually twice as dangerous to use a cell phone. And she doesn’t even have her license.

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This week animal rights activists tried to block a Rolling Stones concert planned for Belgrade’s main racetrack. They’re concerned it will scare the horses stabled there. An activist said, “A jockey told them all about Altamont.”

Eventually they reached a compromise: the concerts will go on, but the racehorses will be drugged. “Always works for me!”


A Stones concert, drugs…The more I read about this, the more I think: everybody in that stable is going to get laid.

A video circulating in Pakistan shows someone being beheaded by a 12-year-old jihadist. They’re calling the kid “Al-Qaeda’s Tiger Woods.”

And finally, AP reports that a mother and daughter in Ohio gave birth within minutes of each other. I must be ready for the weekend—when I read that I immediately thought: “Yuck, a pregnant fetus.”

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One day after the shooting at Virginia Tech, a Tennessee woman walked into a kindergarten classroom, pulled out a toy gun, and fired it several times. As she was wrestled to the ground, she was heard to say, “You guys have no sense of humor.”

Here’s a picture of the woman.

Virginia Tech has announced that all the students slain Monday will receive posthumous degrees. You’ve heard of life-experience?” said an administrator. “Well, this is the opposite.”

A semi driver who flipped his truck Tuesday says it happened when he went looking for a couple of doughnuts he threw on the floor of his cab. Merv Bontrager of Milo, North Dakota, you are Today’s Stereotype.

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Officials at the Antwerp Zoo are asking visitors not to interact with one of their animals, a male chimpanzee named Cheetah. Because Cheetah was raised by humans, he bonds more with people than with his own species and, as a zookeeper noted, “we’ve seen how well that works out.”

A nude photo of supermodel Kate Moss is being auctioned off next month. It’s expected to fetch over $30,000. You know what that means? That Moss’ dentist is sitting on a goldmine.

A group of English investors has unveiled a theme park based on the works of Charles Dickens. Admission is free, but you have to work your way out.

The $125 million attraction features Dickens-themed exhibits, animatronics, even a family style restaurant. The owners are especially proud that Dickens World is 100% carbon neutral. Said one, “All the power we need is generated by the author spinning in his grave.”

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In a video posted online, a top insurgent leader boasted today that his al-Qaida-linked group was now making its own rockets. All I can say is: fucking Estes, man.

Less than a week after suffering a brutal car crash, New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine is still in critical condition, and facing a big next step: breathing on his own. That might not seem like much to you, but not everybody can do it.

A new report says that US greenhouse gas emissions rose by less than 1% in 2005. This prompted the head of the EPA to claim that Bush Administration efforts are working. “But we have to do more,” Dave Johnson said. “The Rapture isn’t coming by itself.”

Everybody in the Administration looks like they own a Ford dealership.

A New York couple retiring to Phoenix arrived there in a novel way: by taxi. Neither Bob nor Betty Matas drive, and they wanted to spare their cats the stress of a long airplane trip. So they simply hailed a cab, and 2,500 miles later, they were there. “It was surprisingly easy,” said Bob. “After all, we’re not black.”

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Sallie Mae, the nation’s largest provider of student loans, is being sold to a group of private investors. Unfortunately for students, the group is led by this man.
[picture of Tony Soprano]

ConocoPhillips and Tyson Foods are teaming up to produce diesel fuel made from beef, pork and poultry fat. “Quickly, Robin—to the schmaltzmobile!”

You know what this is leading to, don’t you? “Obesity—our most precious natural resource.”

A study has revealed that teens enrolled in abstinence classes are just as likely to have sex as teens who aren’t. On the other hand, the Abstinence final’s really easy.

The study said that both groups even had sex at the same average age: 14.9 years. Wow—that means for everybody out there who waits until marriage, there’s a really creepy five-year-old.

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This morning, an anti-war activist crashed President Bush’s speech at the National Catholic Prayer Breakfast. Bush ignored her, but as she was dragged off, he did ask an aide, “Who let in the Christian?”

The Chinese government is launching a new crackdown on online pornography. That makes a lot of sense. With a population of 1.3 billion, the last thing you’d want to encourage is masturbation.

An Indonesian jet packed with passengers was forced to turn around over India after a test-fired missile streaked by in front of it. No one on the jet was injured, but there WAS a humungous line for the bathroom.

British scientists have discovered a gene that contributes to obesity. In their study, people who carried two copies of the FTO gene weighed 7 pounds more than people who just had one. That first copy’s tiny—but that second one’s as big as your head.

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Scientists have announced that they’ve been able to decode genetic material from a 68 million-year-old specimen of Tyrannosaurus rex. I don’t know about you, but the six-year-old in me just came a little.

Said Matthew T. Carrano, curator of dinosaurs at the Smithsonian, "This opens up a whole avenue of research. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m expecting a call from the Pentagon.”

A suicide bomber detonated in the cafeteria of the Iraqi parliament building today, killing at least eight people. Yet the Iraqis are taking it in stride. “We are not afraid,” one survivor told Al-Jazeera. “That happens to everybody who orders the ziti.”

And finally, Swiss megacorporation Nestle SA announced today that it is buying Gerber for an estimated $5.5 billion. It was just $5 billion, but then my wife decided to throw in Willa.

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A study out today claims that New York City produces one percent of our nation’s greenhouse gases. I blame these.

[picture of steam vent]

I meant the steam vent, but the SUV works, too.

In an effort to reach its goal of reducing emissions 30% by 2030, the Bloomberg Administration has been aggressive in promoting green building and alternative fuel vehicles. But the real prime movers in the effort will have to be Ray’s Solar Panels, Ray’s Original Solar Panels, and Ray’s Famous Original Solar Panels.

Scientists have made a new flu vaccine using yellow striped caterpillars instead of hen eggs. “We’re pleased and relieved,” said one of the researchers. “We got pretty depressed after the caterpillar omelets.”

The Washington Post reports that the White House is considering naming a high-powered official to oversee our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Wait—I thought somebody was already doing that.

[chagrined picture of Bush]

And what will this new Cabinet-level position be called? “Blame Him.”

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A new study is warning that planting trees in far Northern latitudes could actually worsen global warming. As a result of this report, Al Gore has announced he plans to make a sequel to “Inconvenient Truth” called “Let’s Pave Scandinavia.”

An Ohio man wants the Governor of Florida to pardon rock singer Jim Morrison, who was arrested there back in 1969. The man said, “Last time I checked, it’s not a crime to write bad poetry.”

It’s a good thing. If it were, our prisons would be filled with teenaged girls. And nobody wants that except for Russ Meyer.

How about this? First, we find out who’s been wrongly convicted. Second, we deal with the War on Drugs. And then we can do nice things for dead guys.

Finally, Egypt is celebrating after the return of some tufts of hair from the Pharaoh Ramses the Second. The 3,200-year-old hair surfaced last year after a French postman tried to sell it on eBay. Which goes to show one thing: anything can be valuable if it’s old enough. Even pubes.

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Yesterday’s annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn didn’t go as well as planned. One reason was the unseasonably wintry weather. Another was the President’s acting like a total baby.

An egg roll is a race where children use large spoons to roll eggs around a predetermined course. Yesterday’s event devolved into chaos after the President began rolling his egg, then refused to set a timetable for the race’s completion.

He said that doing so would “send a mixed message to my opponents.”

In an attempt to salvage the day, First Lady Laura Bush read "Duck for President," by Doreen Cronin. The book—rumored to be from George’s personal collection—tells of a duck who gets sick of farm chores and decides to run for president. It’s really a sweet story—everyone tells the duck to give up, but he keeps trying, and just when it looks like he’s about to lose, the Supreme Court gives him the job.

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Not as sacreligious as you'd expect.




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The beach party may be over for the entrepreneur behind “Girls Gone Wild.” Joe Francis is facing a lawsuit which claims some of the women in his videos were underage. [whispers] And I think some of them might’ve been drunk, too.

Marathons are going high-tech. Special “timing mats” positioned along the course can now send automatic updates to your friends watching the race. You know, stuff like how long you’ve run, how much you have left, and how long it will be before you lose control of your bowels.

“Dude, I’m totally taking a picture.”

And finally, today being Good Friday, I’d like each one of you to take a moment and remember a great man on the anniversary of his death. Though he died a long time ago, this simple man from the humblest of beginnings, inspired so many people that his image and words still surround us today. I’m talking, of course, about Abraham Lincoln.

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The Thai government has blocked access to YouTube, after a user uploaded a video mocking that country’s monarch. Excuse me for a second, I have to go sing our national anthem.

Apparently the final straw was when the video juxtaposed images of King Bhumibol Adulyadej with pictures of feet. You mean like…this? Okay, I chickened out.

I don’t need a bunch of angry Thais coming after me. I’ve got enough on my plate. Maybe if it weren’t tax time.

Authorities in Seattle say a 14-year-old girl there was sexually abused by a woman posing as a 17-year-old boy. The girl suspected that her boyfriend Mark wasn’t male, but couldn’t be sure because he would never let her see his privates. Dear, if Mark HAD been a 17-year-old boy, he would’ve done NOTHING BUT show you his privates.

And finally, a Toronto elementary school principal has pleaded guilty to flinging feces on a child. But the worst thing—the really horrible thing about it, is—she didn’t use her hands.

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In Damascus, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi met with Bassar Assad, the President of Syria. She characterized their conversation as “productive,” which is diplomatic code for “we compared Bush impressions.”

For the third time, videotape has surfaced of an off-duty Chicago police officer involved in a bar fight. “These are no longer isolated incidents,” Jesse Jackson said, “but a clear, repeating pattern of cops drumming up business.”

Today, Northern Ireland took another small step towards peace: for the first time ever, Protestant leader Ian Paisley shook hands with Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern….The meeting was sponsored by Purell.
Afterwards, the two men visited the site of the Battle of the Boyne, where Protestant forces defeated a Catholic army in 1690. The two groups have been playing “double-or-nothing” ever since.

As the two men stood, Paisley was heard to say, “[inhale] Smells like victory.” Ahern laughed, which of course is diplomatic code for “what a dick.”

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A childhood friend of Martin Luther King is preparing to auction off some of King’s papers. The small sheaf includes personal letters, as well as early drafts of some of King’s speeches. For example, “I Have a Dream” was originally called “Hey, Here’s a Thought.”

A new craze is sweeping Japan: Krispy Kreme. Japanese are lining up in droves to purchase the doughnuts, which are just the latest iteration in that country’s burgeoning love for American-style junk food—or, as the Japanese call it, “steroids for sumo.”

And finally, Monday marked the start of Canada's annual seal hunt, with lots of comment pro- and con. I don’t usually air my personal beliefs in these jokes, but I gotta say something: seal hunting is wrong. Just because a guy hasn’t had a hit in a long time…Those scars? They’re from clubs, people!

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The government of Brazil has a new plan to save the Amazon rainforest: giving the Indian tribes there free Internet access. “Why do we think this will work?” asked a Brazilian official. “Because it’s impossible to chop down a tree one-handed.”

Speaking of online naughtiness, purveyors breathed a sigh of relief last week when the organization that sets the rules for domain names rejected a proposed “dot-xxx” extension. Porn people felt that “dot-xxx” had a negative connotation which unfairly stigmatized them. They’re now pushing for the alternative “dot-cum.”

And finally, an artist in New York is taking flack for creating a life-size, anatomically correct figure of Jesus out of chocolate. The artwork has caused outrage among local Catholics. They want it to be white chocolate.

Here’s a front view. Doesn’t look like what I expected. When I heard “Chocolate Jesus,” I naturally thought, “Barack Obama.”

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