Newsbreaks for Wednesday

Had to do these quickly, but I still think they're amusing.



Audio version is here.

Text:
A new study by the Kaiser Family Foundation claims that most of the TV commercials aimed at children advertise unhealthy junk foods, snacks, and candy. The report went on to say that “there is no doubt whatsoever that we are losing the war in Korea.”

The Foundation’s Vicky Rideout said that kids need to eat less of these foods, not more of them, if we are ever going to get a handle on childhood obesity. There’s a woman with no sense of wordplay.

Bao Xishun, the world’s tallest man, at seven feet nine inches, has finally gotten married. “People think it’s inconvenient, but it’s not,” the bride said. “For one thing, I can perform fellatio standing up.”

Oh, like you weren’t thinkin’ it. Everybody’s thinkin’ it. Look at ‘em—THEY’RE thinkin’ it.

And finally, this morning I was greeted by a headline: “Foley Page Investigation Continues.”...My God, can’t anybody stop him?