Newsbreaks for Thursday

Enjoy!



Audio version is here.

Text:
Fox has a new hit game show, where contestants have to answer questions culled from elementary school textbooks. Must resist temptation...

The show is called, “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?” … “No, but I’m so desperate to be on TV, I’ll allow myself to be humiliated by 11-year-olds.

Who says humanity isn’t making progress? The Romans used to throw people to the lions, now we throw them to the fifth-graders.

Think about it: everyone in this photo has an agent.

Colorado’s infamous Columbine High School was evacuated Thursday after somebody called in a bomb threat. It turned out to be a false alarm. “Kids were different back in the day,” a teacher there said. “Their threats meant something.”

A 21-year-old Indiana man was arrested Monday after he tried to cash a $50,000 check that was signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant." The bank wouldn’t cash it, which I think was a mistake. Imagine the ad campaign: “This is where God banks.”

“I don’t care who you are, it still costsrrrr $6 to use an out-of-network ATM.”

And finally, a woman near Naples got a surprise yesterday when the sack of potatoes she planned to boil for dinner contained a live hand grenade. Nobody was hurt, and authorities detonated the grenade in a nearby park. Newspapers are calling the affair “Divorce, Italian Style.”