Audio version is here.

Text:
Today, President Bush visited the veterans at Walter Reed Hospital. Secret Service officials confirmed that the visit went well, and that Mr. Bush’s “bedpan shield” functioned perfectly.

Police all over the country say they are noticing an alarming new trend: pot growing in the suburbs. More and more frequently, police raid a house in a nice neighborhood, and find it empty except for a mattress, some folding chairs, and an elaborate set up for growing pot. They call them “grow houses.” I call them “off-campus apartments.”

A Pennsylvania family is being charged with holding a woman captive for months, during which time they beat her, made her do calisthenics, and forced her have sex with their two teenaged sons. When asked why she didn’t escape, the woman said, “They told me it was a reality show.”

Chrysler announced Thursday that it will be offering satellite TV in its 2008 minivans. For an extra $470, you can receive Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel and The Cartoon Network beamed directly into the back seat…I dunno, that seems like a lot of money just to keep the kids quiet—especially when you consider how cheap it is to chloroform them.

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Text:
A judge in Illinois is preventing a Bears fan who lost a bar bet from legally changing his name to “Peyton Manning.” Judge Katherine McCarthy ruled that such a change might infringe on the quarterback’s rights. After the hearing, the fan expressed disappointment, saying, “Just for that, I’m changing it to Judge Katherine McCarthy.”

In more legal news, a New York judge has ruled that a famously feuding couple has insufficient grounds for divorce, even though they've built a wall dividing their house in two. "It's completely unfair," said Chana Taub, who's claiming physical and mental abuse. "I can totally hear him having sex through the wall."

"Don't tell her I told you this," the husband confided. "It's just a recording."

A Maryland woman claims that her Golden Retriever gave her the Heimlich manuever. After Debbie Parkhurst started choking on an apple, her dog Toby pulled her to the ground and jumped on her chest until the mouthful shot out. Then the dog ate it.

Unfortunately Toby’s gotten so much positive reinforcement, now the poor woman can’t keep any food down.

You don’t wanna know what Toby does for shin-splits.

Read this article…

Had to do these quickly, but I still think they're amusing.



Audio version is here.

Text:
A new study by the Kaiser Family Foundation claims that most of the TV commercials aimed at children advertise unhealthy junk foods, snacks, and candy. The report went on to say that “there is no doubt whatsoever that we are losing the war in Korea.”

The Foundation’s Vicky Rideout said that kids need to eat less of these foods, not more of them, if we are ever going to get a handle on childhood obesity. There’s a woman with no sense of wordplay.

Bao Xishun, the world’s tallest man, at seven feet nine inches, has finally gotten married. “People think it’s inconvenient, but it’s not,” the bride said. “For one thing, I can perform fellatio standing up.”

Oh, like you weren’t thinkin’ it. Everybody’s thinkin’ it. Look at ‘em—THEY’RE thinkin’ it.

And finally, this morning I was greeted by a headline: “Foley Page Investigation Continues.”...My God, can’t anybody stop him?

Read this article…

I'll upload today's Newsbreaks later--first take a look at this parody that Jon and I created. Enjoy!

Read this article…

One month of Newsbreaks! Let's all celebrate by saying "fiber-octic cable."



Audio version is here.

Text:
Geneticists have identified a whole new type of twin, which they are calling “semi-identical.” I don’t know what this does for science, but it definitely opens up a whole new area of porn.

All over the world, men are feverishly concocting letters to Penthouse Forum. “Dear Forum, I always felt a pleasant tension with my smokin’-hot cousin, but we never did anything about it. Then one day, she introduced me to Chloe. “Chloe was raised in a convent in Austria,” my cousin said, “and she’s my semi-identical twin.”

In an effort to make city roads less lethal, officials in New Delhi, India have banned smoking while driving. Announcing the ban, New Delhi’s traffic commissioner declared, “The human mind cannot do two things simultaneously.” See, the problem with that is, it sounds like a dare.

Fifty years after being divided by the Korean War, hundreds of families from North and South Korea were reunited yesterday—via fiber-optic cable. For the first time in decades, Koreans saw and spoke to their loved ones, via video. It’s a heartwarming story—or it would be, if there hadn’t been so many damn commercials.

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Text:
The New Orleans Saints have hammered out an agreement with state officials that will keep them in that city until at least 2010. As part of the deal, FOX Sports is obligated to mention Hurricane Katrina after every Saints first down.

A new report by the National Institutes of Health reveals that the more time that children spend in child care, the more likely their sixth grade teachers are to report problem behavior. These findings are part of a multi-year, comprehensive study entitled “How to Provoke Guilt in Working Parents.”

Over the weekend, an argument at an after-hours party in Boston erupted in gunfire, killing a woman and prompting that city’s mayor to call for an end to late-night parties. “How many more people have to die,” Mayor Thomas Menino said, “from cheap, widely available late-night parties?”

That's not blaming the messenger--that's blaming the notepaper, or something.

And finally, the estate of Marlon Brando is suing a furniture company for selling a home-theater chair called “The Brando” without permission. As a result, the company is telling their salespeople to stop calling it “The Brando” and start calling it “The Orson Welles.”

Read this article…

Dennis Perrin serves up some funny word salad here.

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Text:
Nineteen months after Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans is still reeling. The government’s ineffectual, a lot of the poor and minorities have left, and more and more frightened citizens are carrying concealed weapons for protection. Wait a minute, this isn’t New Orleans, it’s Republican heaven.

But let’s be honest; nobody’s happy about what’s happening down there. Except for Kurt Russell’s agent…“Hello, I’m Mayor Snake Plissken.”

The aircraft carrier USS John Kennedy was decommissioned today, after thirty years of service. “Big John” was christened by then seven year old Caroline Kennedy, and its in-port cabin was designed by Jackie. Yes, it was a special ship—maybe that’s why sailors on it always felt funny saying “going to the head.”

A complex change in Medicaid is causing college students to have to pay a lot more for birth control pills. Authorities are afraid women will be forced to choose cheaper, riskier forms of contraception like condoms, diaphragms, and these guys.

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Text:
Simon and Schuster announced today that it is publishing a new book by Bill Clinton. The book--transcripts of conversations between Clinton and historian Taylor Branch--will be called “Wrestling History.” It will also feature a foreword by Hulk Hogan.

Starbucks announced yesterday that Paul McCartney had signed a one-album deal with their new record label. The 64-year-old ex-Beatle is hoping that the presence of caffeine will help his listeners stay awake.

Gangsters in Malaysia have now put a bounty on the two sniffer dogs that discovered a warehouse full of pirated DVDs. Dudes, intimidation only works if the creature can understand what you’re saying. Maybe cut the head off a chew toy and hide it in their bed or something. “This means Luca Brasi sleeps with the squirrels.”

And finally, scientists in New Zealand studying the largest squid ever captured plan to put the specimen in a microwave oven. “We’re not going to cook it,” said a researcher. “We just want to defrost it so we can study it better…Uh, the marinara sauce is for a friend.”

Read this article…

Happy Spring.



Audio version is here.

Text:
Last weekend, a group of unidentified vandals broke into an excavation in the ancient city of Pompeii and toppled a huge column. Though no one has been arrested for the crime, authorities suspect that it was the work of the recently outlawed terrorist group, Friends of Vesuvius.

A Boy Scout who slipped away from the rest of his troop during a camping trip has been found. Twelve-year-old Michael Auberry survived four days alone in the wilderness by sleeping in trees and drinking creek water. A fellow Scout said that Auberry left the Troop Saturday because he was sick of camping. I wonder how he feels about it now.

Some Mennonites in Missouri are considering moving, rather than getting their pictures taken for a driver’s license. They say that their religion forbids “graven images,” which includes photographs. If that’s so, somebody should tell whoever runs this porn site.

And finally, the UK branch of McDonald’s announced today that it will try to get the Oxford English Dictionary to change the definition it has for “McJob.” The company says that the current definition is derogatory. McDonald’s has tried to strongarm dictionaries before, but so far, the answer has always been the same: “McBite Me.”

Read this article…

I really like this one.



Audio version is here.

Text:
Today, two sniffer dogs supplied by the Motion Picture Association of America helped Malaysian police find nearly 1 million illegal DVDs. Said a Malaysian Customs official, “Given dogs’ natural behavior it’s only logical that they recognize the distinctive odor of most Hollywood movies.”

The news is mixed for the country’s troubled housing sector. On the one hand, housing starts rebounded in February, but on the other, requests for new permits were down. Said one analyst, “This means one of two things: either February was a blip, or else there are a lot of amateur houses being built.”

Prospective jurors in the trial of legendary record producer Phil Spector are being asked to fill out an extensive questionnaire designed to determine their attitudes on justice and celebrity, Here’s a sample question: "Do you think that people of wealth or fame are treated differently in the court system?"
[OJ Simpson writing] “Absolutely not.”

Scientists report that nuthatches seem to be able to understand the alarm calls of a totally different species of bird. Nuthatches can distinguish between one chickadee call which means, “look out for a flying predator,” and another for a predator that is perched. They can also recognize a third call, which means, “Psyche!”

Read this article…

Low-energy for some reason today. There's an extra joke at the end of the movie--couldn't resist...



Audio version is here.

Text:

Supermodel Naomi Campbell reported to a New York City sanitation garage this morning, where she’ll be pushing a mop as punishment for assaulting her maid. Campbell’s expected to be there for five days—with time off for letting guys touch her booty.

The world’s largest passenger jet, the Airbus A380, made its maiden voyage to America today. The massive airliner can hold up to 550 passengers, carry 81,000 gallons of fuel and fly over 8,000 nautical miles. That’s all great, but I want to hear about the anti-snake devices.

I wonder how they figured out the plane’s range? “Okay, we’re running out of gas…now.”

The pilot of the plane told reporters in New York that the A380 is very nimble. “You’d expect this would be like driving a bus,” he said, “but it’s like driving a Ferrari.” Yeah, you should see that sucker peel out from a stoplight.

And finally, Chiquita Brands International admitted in Federal court today that it paid Colombian terrorists to protect some of its banana-growing operations. I guess somebody else will be joining Naomi…

Read this article…

I particularly like the last one.



Audio version is here.

Text:

Police in Baltimore arrested a seven-year-old for riding a dirt bike on the sidewalk. Then they handcuffed him, fingerprinted him, and even took a mug shot. Okay, somebody’s been watching a little too much of “The Wire.”

The kid was so short, they had to put the cuff around his neck.

A 35-year-old man was plucked from the ocean today, eight hours after leaping from a cruise ship. I don’t blame him; shuffleboard has that effect on a lot of people.

In the wake of a recent fire in the Bronx that killed ten, experts want to overhaul many of the nation’s fire codes. “Look at this one,” said an official. “Who has time to figure this out? ”

And finally, fed up over Federal inactivity, six U.S. counties are going ahead with their own plans to combat global warming. The counties, which include the cities of Seattle and Chicago, plan to reduce carbon emissions by promoting telecommuting, hybrid cars, and the use of alternative fuels like plentiful, clean-burning Republicans.

Read this article…

Now with AUDIBLE AUDIO! (Thanks, Mr. New Microphone.)



Audio version is here.

Text:
Suspected 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed said today that he was the person who beheaded journalist Daniel Pearl. "For those who would like to confirm,” Mohammed bragged, “there are pictures of [it] on the Internet.” I believed him until he said that.

I call this photo “The Anti-Metrosexual.”

A new study has found that people who have heart attacks during the weekend have a slightly higher chance of death. And anyone who’s seen my father watch a playoff game isn’t the least bit surprised.

Introducing… “March Deadness.”

And finally, according to the Labor Department, in February the prices for toys grew at the fastest rate in two decades. The jump was blamed on rising energy costs and, of course, greedy-ass elves.

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Text:
Heather Mills, the estranged ex of Paul McCartney, says she’s looking forward to appearing on ABC’s, “Dancing With the Stars.” Mills, who lost a leg in a 1993 motorcycle accident, said, “I was always game, but we had to convince the show to let me wear a caster.”

For a few hours last night, the U.S. Navy lost contact with one of its submarines operating off the coast of Florida. Officials were afraid that the USS San Juan was in trouble, but the sub reestablished contact early this morning. Strangely, everyone on board was smoking Cuban cigars.

The Israeli government has confirmed that it has recalled its ambassador to El Salvador, after he was found in the front yard of his residence drunk, naked, and bound in bondage gear. “We recalled him for two reasons,” an spokesperson said. “One, his actions were an embarrassment to the state of Israel, and two, we want to party with him.”

Federal health officials are now warning that prescription sleep medications like Ambien can sometimes cause sleep-driving. Or, as the like to call it, “The Chappaquiddick Effect.”

And finally, on a topic close to me heart: The American publishers of Harry Potter say that the final book in that series will have a first printing of 12 million copies. “This is so much more than the publishing of a book,” said a representative for Scholastic, “it’s an ecological event.”

Read this article…

I think I'm being followed by men who look like Noam Chomsky. Anyway...



Audio version is here.

A UN report released today says that both the United States and Europe have reversed a century’s worth of deforestation, and now have more trees than ever. Unfortunately, the story in the developing nations is exactly the opposite. “What this means,” the report’s author said, “is that it’s only a matter of time before rich nations band together and declare trees a form of money.”

Archaelogists from Ball State say that a big, round ditch discovered in a wooded area in Indiana is likely some sort of an earthen enclosure built by prehistoric Indians. “Either that, or frat boys.”

Disney is launching a new website aimed at moms. The site, due to go live later this week, will be called “You’re-a-bad-mother-unless-you-buy-this-product-and/or-service.com.”

Darn it—I almost bought that domain, too!

And finally, Las Vegas’ legendary Stardust casino was demolished last night, to make way for a brand new resort. To knock the building down, they used 428 pounds of explosives…and when that didn’t work, they sent in these two guys.

I just had to get those guys in again.

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Text:
Dick Cheney lashed out at Democrats today, saying that any plan to defund the Iraq war was “undermining the troops.” The Vice President has always been a big supporter of our boys in uniform—it’s the ones in hospital gowns that have to watch out.

Cheney characterized the defunding as “slow bleed,” then added, “I’ve always been a ‘fast-bleed’ man, myself.”

This morning, an Air Force Reserve pilot flying off the coast of Florida had to ditch his F-16 into the Atlantic. After ejecting safely, the pilot said, “Very funny, a-holes—that knob isn’t the cigarette lighter.”

Regis Philbin, the 75-year-old host of the show “Live with Regis and Kelly,” has announced he’s going to have bypass surgery. “Nobody wants to do it,” Philbin said, “but this brain of mine has been giving me trouble for years.”
[Sub: “Philbin: In TV, brain is problem”]

Officials in Cancun, Mexico say that beaches at the spring break mecca are eroding at an alarming rate. To combat this, the town plans to build a massive artificial reef out of shotglasses.

Sony announced today that it is going to create a virtual universe for people to experience online. “It’s the logical next step,” an industry analyst said. “A corporation owns the world, and you have to pay them to live in it.”

And finally, former President Bush fainted Sunday while playing golf in Palm Springs. I guess he finally realized which one of his sons is President.

Read this article…

I gotta get a better microphone. Or a better mouth!



Audio version is here.

Text:
The Israeli Air Force has unveiled their most advanced surveillance drone, called the Heron. “This is a great day for all those who wish to protect the Jewish people,” said an Israeli general. “But it’s an even greater day for Israel’s voyeurs.”

Guitarist Eddie Van Halen has announced that he is entering rehab. The last 15 years have been pretty hard on Eddie. He’s gone from this to this—but the portrait over his fireplace keeps looking better and better.

Newsbreaks…Your source for Oscar Wilde humor. What a waste of a good education. Next up, David Lee Roth jokes in Latin.

The American Medical Association has taken out ads in college newspapers asking the NCAA to ban alcohol marketing from college sports. Last year, the NCAA received $52 million from liquor companies. What do you say, Magic 8-Ball? Think the NCAA’ll give up all that money?…Oh, you’re such a kidder.

And finally, biologists in Colorado are trying to figure out what has killed over 850 ducks there this winter. While they’ve ruled out bird flu, bacterial infections, and pollution, they would like to speak to this man. [photo of Elmer Fudd]

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Text:
Fugitive Afghan rebel leader Gulbuddin Hekmatyar told the AP that his forces have ended cooperation with the Taliban. Hekmatyar also announced he has just married this woman [photo of Yoko Ono].

Today, President Bush left on a five-nation tour of Latin America. Quick, somebody change the locks on The White House.

The State Department has just released its annual report regarding human rights violations around the world. For the first time ever, the report included censored movies. Said one of the authors, “We couldn’t mention Guantanamo, so we had to fill it with something.”

Next up: the Treasury Department’s report on who’s too capitalist.

A new survey by the Motion Picture Association of America says that 63% of people still consider going to a theater “the ultimate movie experience.” Well, sure—Alcatraz is the ultimate jail experience, but I still prefer house arrest.

The MPAA also said that 605 movies were released last year, and 37% of them featured Eugene Levy.

And finally, musician John Popper was arrested after cops clocked his Mecerdes going 111 mph. Inside the car they found four rifles, nine handguns, a switchblade, a Taser, and some night vision goggles, all in secret compartments. Popper’s car also had special headlights, a siren, and a public address system. When apprehended by the police, Popper said, “Okay, you got me—I’m Batman.”

Here’s Popper’s next car: [photo of the Mach 5]

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

A Turkish court has blocked the popular video-sharing site YouTube from being accessed in Turkey…They didn’t mention Newsbreaks by name, but that’s just because they didn’t want me to get the free publicity.
The Turks are angry over some videos posted by Greeks, saying that all Turks are homosexuals. You heard me right: Greece is calling another country gay. That Greece. That one. The videos showed pictures of well-known Turkish gays like Socrates and Sappho.
But there are no good guys here: Apparently it’s a crime in Turkey to insult that country’s founder, Kamil Ataturk, or even “Turkishness” in general. Doing that’ll get you sent to prison. Saying “Turks are maybe just a little oversensitive ” will only get you a fine.
It’s okay, I can say it. This won’t be seen in Turkey anyway.

Celebrity Rosie O’Donnell admitted today that she undergoes treatment for depression. Asinine comment from Donald Trump in 3, 2, 1…

Officials in Chongking, China have ordered that all of the pet dogs in one district of that ciy are to be killed as part of an anti-rabies campaign. As you might imagine, not everybody is pleased about this. One person said anonymously, “I guess one of the mayor’s daughters is getting married.”

And finally, Marvel Comics has announced that it is killing off Captain America. I have to admit, my first thought was: I wonder if my back issues will be worth more?
Twenty years from now, comics fans will ask each other, “Where were you when Captain America was killed?”
“Probably having sex with some hot girl…You?”
“Oh, me too. Totally.”
“Totally.”

Read this article…

Little late today--Mac troubles.



Audio version is here.

Former Cheney aide Lewis “Scooter” Libby was found guilty of obstruction of justice, perjury, and lying to the FBI. That’s the bad news. The good news is, the White House named him “Employee of the Month.”

Observers say that the verdict could very well turn Libby from an anonymous Washington insider into a frontrunner for the Republican nomination.

A technology research firm has calculated the total amount of digital information generated last year: from emails to mp3s to digital video, we made 161 billion gigabytes of the stuff. To help you imagine how much information this is, think of 12 stacks of books reaching from the Earth to the sun. And on every third page, there’s a funny picture of a cat.

An Indiana man took his eight-year-old daughter up in a single-engine plane, then crashed it into his former mother-in-law’s house. Jeez, eight-year-olds can be so annoying. “I wanna go to Grandma’s house, I wanna go to Grandma’s house.”

A Pennsylvania mother has pled guilty to baby-swinging. For those of you who don’t know what “baby-swinging” is, it’s when a bunch of new parents have a party, and each couple leaves with a different baby than they came with.

First, you put all the babies in a really big bowl…

Police say a Connecticut man stabbed his wife, then gave the knife to their two-year-old and told him: "Now you stab Mommy." Then the man said, “No, not the cat, Mommy…Watch the sofa!…Don’t put that it in your mouth…Oh, give me that. Listen, kid: you better shape up or I’ll fly you over to Grandma’s.”

Read this article…

Audio version is here.

Text:
Scientists at the Max Planck Institute in Leipzig are using MRIs to see if they can determine a person’s intentions by scanning their brain activity. On the other hand, we could just ask him. [photo of Al Gore]

Last week, two Atlanta teenagers were arrested after they tried to rob a bank. The local press immediately dubbed the blond girls “the Barbie Bandits.”…Boy, it’s times like this I wish I was Reese Witherspoon’s agent.

No doubt the papers would’ve come up with something equally cute and memorable if the girls had been black. Something like “Suspect.”

Today, the mother of one of the girls is saying her daughter just fell in with a bad crowd. She’s a “little girl who made a bad choice,” the woman said…Okay, make that Paris Hilton’s agent.

And finally, ATM machine maker Diebold is apparently looking to sell the voting machine unit of its company. “It’s simple,” said an analyst for Wall Street, when a customer sees the name Diebold on an ATM, they naturally think, ‘Maybe they’re going to steal my money, too.’”

Read this article…

Enjoy!




Audio version is here.

Text:
Early Thursday morning, a detachment of soldiers from Switzerland got lost during a training mission and accidentally crossed over into Lichtenstein. While this was technically a hostile action, the government of Lichtenstein brushed it off. An official said, “They couldn’t have done much harm to us. All they had were those little pocketknives.”

A Michigan 16-year-old on the lam from authorities was captured Friday, three days after posting “catch me if you can” on his MySpace page. Said a police officer, “Not only did we catch him, we told him that the song on his site was totally a cliché.”

The unlucky boy is now also facing charges of “assault with incredibly shitty web design.”

A total lunar eclipse is happening Saturday. Who’s excited? Astrologers are excited.

This is when the moon passes behind the Earth’s shadow, causing it to appear crimson. In earlier times, this was often interpreted as an evil omen. But modern science protects us from superstitions like this, and fortunately, the stock market is closed on Saturdays.

An Australian woman was sentenced to community service, after officials caught her smuggling rare fish under her dress. When asked why they didn’t apprehend her sooner, a spokesperson said, “We just thought…I’m not going to tell you what we thought.”

And finally, there’s a new singles bar here in LA. It’s called “Skybark,” and the gimmick is, you can bring your dog. “There’s glamour, and paraparazzi,” said one of the bar’s owners. “You’ll feel like you’re in a real Hollywood party.” Yeah, one where everyone is biting each other and crapping on the floor. Usually that’s just the agents.

Read this article…

Enjoy!



Audio version is here.

Text:
Fox has a new hit game show, where contestants have to answer questions culled from elementary school textbooks. Must resist temptation...

The show is called, “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth-Grader?” … “No, but I’m so desperate to be on TV, I’ll allow myself to be humiliated by 11-year-olds.

Who says humanity isn’t making progress? The Romans used to throw people to the lions, now we throw them to the fifth-graders.

Think about it: everyone in this photo has an agent.

Colorado’s infamous Columbine High School was evacuated Thursday after somebody called in a bomb threat. It turned out to be a false alarm. “Kids were different back in the day,” a teacher there said. “Their threats meant something.”

A 21-year-old Indiana man was arrested Monday after he tried to cash a $50,000 check that was signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant." The bank wouldn’t cash it, which I think was a mistake. Imagine the ad campaign: “This is where God banks.”

“I don’t care who you are, it still costsrrrr $6 to use an out-of-network ATM.”

And finally, a woman near Naples got a surprise yesterday when the sack of potatoes she planned to boil for dinner contained a live hand grenade. Nobody was hurt, and authorities detonated the grenade in a nearby park. Newspapers are calling the affair “Divorce, Italian Style.”

Read this article…