Colbert vs. the Sharks

I try to keep politics to a minimum here, simply because other people write more lucidly and more amusingly about it than I do. However, Jon Schwarz's ladling of scorn on the press' extended pants-wetting over Stephen Colbert launched me into a Jaws-generation reverie.

Imagine you're a lifeguard on a beach. You're very proud of yourself. You worked hard to become a lifeguard, and you make sure everybody knows what an important job it is. Mostly, they agree with you. It's a nice job, and you like it. You even like the sense of responsibility.

Unfortunately, there is a shark prowling your beach. Every so often, a bather gets chomped on. You feel bad about it, really you do. And you try to stop it from happening whenever possible. But you're only human.

One day, you see some kids playing in the water. Suddenly, you hear one of them yell, "Shark!" You don't pay attention--kids yell that all the time. Then there's a lot of splashing--no worries, kids do that, too. But this day, another adult takes it seriously, and goes bolting off into the surf. Moments later, he comes back, and says, "I scared it away--for the moment, at least." Some people lift him onto their shoulders and carry him off the beach, calling him a hero. While this is happening, some other people come up to you and say, "There was a shark! You're the lifeguard--why the hell didn't you go out there?"

You're embarrassed. So here's what you'd say:
1) "I'm a lifeguard, he's just some guy. He probably saw a school of fishes."
2) "Kids act that way all the time. How was I supposed to know?"
3) "So what if there was a shark? Nobody got hurt. We'll just wait a while and it'll go away."
4) "YOU try being a lifeguard. It's so hard, I bet you wouldn't last one day! You're lucky that people like me exist, so you can be safe."
The beachgoers are still mad, but they can't fire you. All they can do is say, "I wish somebody else was lifeguard," as they walk away. At that moment, you don't hate the shark. You hate the fella who scared the shark away.

If the media wants people to stop laughing at it, calling it ineffectual, corrupt, self-aggrandizing, and stupid, there's only one thing for it to do: catch the shark.

And if they can't be shamed into it, perhaps they should remember this: sharks eat lifeguards, too.