Cheating at Stutts

Reading the Times' recent expose on collegiate cheating—short version: it’s rampant, and they use iPods and other elder-mystifying technology to do it—made me wonder about the state of affairs at my alma mater, Stutts University. Not surprisingly, cheating at Stutts is state-of-the-art. Very surprisingly, it’s fully condoned by the university! “We’re just about to open an entire building dedicated to it, called the Center for Competitive Advantage,” said Kitty O’Shea. Kitty runs the Poor & Unimportant division for the Association of Stutts Alumni; she’s my first stop whenever I want to get the skinny on what’s going on up in Great Littleton.

Kitty put me in touch with University Provost Patrick Rivington, Stutts’ head honcho for anything having to do with dollars and cents. “Our students are our customers, Mike,” Rivington explained. “Whatever they want to learn, we want to teach. When a consultant told me that our students spent, on average, 17% of their entire Stutts career cheating their brains out, the next step was obvious: let’s turn it into a major. That’s what being customer-focused is.” When I mentioned that other schools might disagree, Rivington said, "Other schools' opinions don't really concern us."

The Alternative Moralities (“AltMo”) major was instituted at Stutts four years ago, but it’s already one of the most visible, powerful departments on campus. Though it started out as a branch of the Philosophy department, its wild popularity with the students—along with some Machievellian dealings by the AltMo professors themselves—soon made it one of the most voices inside Stutts. Proof of this came on April 23, 2003, when CHEATSTAR-1, the first-ever satellite dedicated solely to academic malfeasance, was lifted into geosynchronous orbit.

“There are times in life when the standard paradigm does not work,” President Rivington said in his pre-launch remarks. “That’s why we encourage our students to seek out new solutions, wherever they might be. Studying for a test, memorizing the information—that’s one solution. Uploading your entire textbook to CHEATSTAR, is simply another, more efficient solution…We know our students could ace any test if they wanted to—they’re Stutts students. That’s why nobody gets anything lower than a ‘B,’” Whitbread said, “and that’s why we’re launching CHEATSTAR.”

Naturally, there’s been a tremendous amount of interest in AltMo coming from the business world, and where corporations go, money inevitably follows. In July, Stutts will unveil the 30,000-square foot Wouk Center for Competitive Advantages, paid for by Kenneth Wouk ’67, CEO of Energon. According to a press release, Wouk’s first priority is to “develop a new version of the artificial intelligence software that allowed Energon to manipulate the world’s electricity supply so very effectively. My second priority is not to get caught this time.”

“‘Kenny Kilowatt’ is a full-stop, flat-out genius,” Rivington told me. “He’s already talking to the Physics department about quantum cheating technology. That’s going to make it possible for Stutts students to cheat on multiple tests at the same time. It’s a really exciting time,” Rivington said. “Money’s just pouring into the Center, because it’s a great way to hide your profits. We can’t wait for Kenny to come onboard,” Rivington said. “Three-to-seven years max, less with good behavior.”