A nice thought

This morning, I had a great thought: What if there was such a thing as an unarmy, formed and maintained by societies to do the exact opposite of making war--a vast unarmy outfitted with lavishness and care, that did its work with the same kind of ever-vaulting precision and dedication that armies do theirs? Think of it: massive groups of people in the fullness of their vigor, sent off to foreign countries to do good deeds and help other people out.



Back at home, there'd be whole regions whose economies depended on the Compassion Industrial Complex, the influence and scope of which was growing all the time. 'I don't know what we'd do without the free-glasses-for-poor-people factory.' The CEOs of the do-goodingest companies would receive rock-star treatment in the business press, and their shareholders would be endlessly enriched. Innovation would be constant, and while sometimes expensive, always worth it. "We help the Unarmy help you."



There'd be families with generations of members, all serving proudly; soldiers coming home, decorated for acts of brave and conspicuous kindness overseas. 'I'm in the 101st Airborne Coat Delivery--'the Smilin' Kid,' that's our symbol. It's on all our copters. Don't believe the movies, it's nothing like that...Being in an unwar--you can't describe it. My sis drives an unarmored personnel carrier--it's fulla therapists and socialworkers."



There would be highly trained and exotically equipped strike forces, dropped in by paraglider perhaps, to provide marriage counseling or shovel walks for the elderly. 'How'd you do that so fast?' 'Well, ma'am, it's this shovel. It can achieve Mach 4.3. Took a billion dollars to develop, but I think you'll agree, it was worth it." Frogmen in rubber boats would tirelessly sweep the oceans free of choking trash, camoflauged so as not to alarm the fish.



Kids would play anti-army, sneaking up on each other for triumphant small gestures of support. Every night on television the news would be full of acts of kindness, and documentaries would analyze history's good deeds, down to the last detail, paying special attention to the individuals whose genius for unwarfare made it all happen. "My favorite part was when Gandhi kissed that wounded soldier." Movies would whip audiences up into a patriotic fervor, causing those on their way home to buy blankets and mail them to cold climates, or just paint the houses of strangers. "There's a unwar on, you know. We all have to do our part."



Expensive and complicated machines on the cutting edge of science would be designed and tested in secret labs out in the desert, their ability to bring happiness analyzed and improved to its farthest degree. The technological might of entire nations would be focused on staying ahead of its fellows, in terms of how much compassion could be brought to bear at a moment's notice. "Today we announce the deployment of a new defense shield, more technologically advanced than any system prior...Thanks to the dedication and brilliance of our scientists, and the profound riches of our nation, a ring of satellites now hangs in low orbit, scanning day and night for people going through painful breakups. Once identified, their information is fed into our central computer, where a new match will be made within seven one thousandths of a second. Ladies and gentlemen, romantic suffering has plagued humanity for thousands of years, but today it is a thing of the past."



Plans would be hatched in secret for massive, coordinated do-gooding. Occasionally, either through espionage or carelessness, one of these plans would become known; the target would immediately launch a pre-emptive strike of affection. Soon, the entire world would be engulfed in anti-war, in a new type of kindness and mutual support Humanity has never known before. Mutually assured affection--a world perpetually on the brink of catastrophic paradise--wouldn't that be great?