Five Ways to Boost Self-Esteem

As part of my ongoing efforts in the field of procrastination, this morning I wrote a little something for a kids' magazine. I don't know if it will ever see the light of day, but it amused me, so I thought I'd share it. It's a rough draft, so lay off.



"Five Sure Fire Self-Esteem Boosters



Sometimes, all the motivational posters in the world can’t make you feel good about yourself. You don’t want to “hang in there.” Nothing, in fact, would make you happier than to see that cute little kitten lose its grip and fall into the bucket of frothing acid or chamber of whirling knives or whatever it is that lurks below it. This is entirely natural; everyone feels this way sometimes.



Yet the fact remains that one must get out of bed, eat, wash occasionally, and do all the other things that, taken together, make up a full-but-tedious life. Below are several sure-fire methods to help you keep going when true self-esteem is rarer than a double cheeseburger at fat camp.



1) Forget about cracks like the one I just wrote about fat camp. I wasn’t talking about you, and the joke wasn’t very funny anyway. Keep in mind that people who write humorous articles often have problems of their own. Big problems.

2) Give yourself credit for everything. Especially things you can do without trying, like blinking or breathing. “My heart beat 112,000 times yesterday and I didn’t even break a sweat! Go, me!”

3) Harness the power of ignorance. Denial is perhaps the greatest gift human beings have, and there’s usually no reason whatsoever to pay attention to something you’d rather ignore. People don’t like to admit this, but denial’s the only thing that keeps any of us going. If, for example, you realized all the ways you could die at this very moment, your head would explode. (Which renders the question quite academic.) In general, whatever it is, it’s probably best not to think about it.

4) Hang around with the biggest losers you can scrounge up. Not only will you look great by comparison, you’ll feel better, too. As the poet wrote, “I cried because I had no shoes/until I met a man who had no feet/Boy am I glad/I’m not that dude.” If you can’t find an actual footless person, substitute someone with extremely unsightly toenail fungus.

5) Think of all the problems you would have if you were incredibly famous, brilliant, attractive, and/or wealthy. Paparazzi are more annoying than you think.



Don't be fooled by people who say that the only way to truly feel good about yourself is through hard work and accomplishment--if your self-esteem isn't based on anything real, nothing real can make you lose it!"