More Weekend Update jokes...

For $9.99, computer users can now download a video game based on the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. However, the game’s makers warn, no matter what they score, nobody will believe it.

Or, “The best players will compete for a prize of $100,000 and a chance to be shot on live television.”



This week, real estate mogul Donald Trump’s casino empire filed for bankruptcy. It was the shortest such filing in history: “I’m fired.”



Twelve months after Janet Jackson scandalized the world during the Super Bowl halftime show, the NFL announced that this year’s show would star venerable icon Paul McCartney. It could've been a lot worse--they could've gotten Yoko Ono.



Monday, Israeli leaders said that they will do their utmost to allow Palestinian elections to take place. Then, after a brief pause, they shouted the Hebrew word for “Psych!”



Thanks to increasing levels of estrogen from birth control pills, fish with both male and female sex tissue have been discovered near wastewater treatment plants in Colorado. “I really think it’s a win/win situation,” a scientist said. “We get to have sex with each other, and the fish can have sex with themselves.”



A Great White Shark in California has set the new world’s record for time spent in captivity, seventeen days and counting. The Monterey Bay Aquarium celebrated the occasion by blasting the theme from Jaws until the neighbors complained.

Or, “…by dumping blood in the tank and standing around chanting ‘Fren-zy,’ ‘fren-zy’!”



For the second time in nine months, Britney Spears has gotten married. The ceremony, which took place in Los Angeles on Saturday evening, was over soon enough for Britney to hit the bars.