More jokes

This week, cyclist Lance Armstrong announced that he plans to compete in this year’s Tour de France. The announcement shocked many in the sports world, but Armstrong explained it this way: “The fewer testicles you have, the more annoying Sheryl Crow gets.”

Tuesday, a pair of paintings from the famed series depicting dogs playing poker were auctioned off for nearly $600,000. But this is only one way Google’s IPO is transforming American society.

A government study released this week said that Utah, Oregon and states in the deep South have the lowest rates of binge drinking in the country. “The data is clear,” President Bush said. “If we want our children to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, we must limit their access to uppity black folks.”

A government study released this week said that states in the
Midwest and Great Plains have some of the highest rates of binge drinking. The report said the cause could be summed up in a single word: “February.”

Wednesday, leading intelligence officials identified groups associated with al-Qaeda as the greatest threat to the United States. The officials went on to say that the last time they were in the woods, they did indeed step in bear shit.

Tuesday, Michael Jackson was taken to an emergency room with flu-like symptoms. Though they expect a full recovery, the hospital refused Mr. Jackson’s request to be placed in the children’s wing.

Pope John Paul II's latest book, which includes his account of surviving an assassination attempt in 1981, will go on sale in Italy on Feb. 23, the publisher said Wednesday. The book, titled “How to Make Love Like a Cranky Old Polish Dude” is expected to sell poorly.

Wednesday, singer Kid Rock was arrested by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at an adult entertainment club. As he was being led away, the singer shouted, “See? I so CAN get arrested in this town.”

Wednesday, singer Kid Rock was arrested by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at an adult entertainment club. The singer’s agent downplayed the incident, saying, “What you and I would call ‘pointless violence’ Kid Rock considers ‘building his fan base.’”

Wednesday, singer Kid Rock was arrested by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at an adult entertainment club. Police said that the singer became enraged after the dj told him, “Get over yourself--strippers say that to everybody.”

Tuesday, Michael Jackson was taken to an emergency room with flu-like symptoms, delaying jury selection in the pop star's upcoming trial. “Sorry,” Jackson mumbled as he was admitted. “The whole fourth grade is sick.”

The Kyoto global warming pact went into force Wednesday, imposing limits on so-called “greenhouse gases” scientists blame for increasing world temperatures, melting glaciers and rising oceans. When global temperatures didn't fall on Thursday, the Bush administration issued this short statement: "In your face, science!”

Many energy analysts predict Americans will be paying more to fill their gas tanks this driving season than they did last year, when gas prices hit record highs. In a related story, Iran just got a lot more evil.

Despite weeks of negotiations, Wednesday the National Hockey League announced that…I’m sorry, has anybody ever heard of this? Is “hockey” some type of sport or something? Oh right—it’s when you stand in a circle and kick that little beanbag…

Thursday, a war protester attending a debate between Howard Dean and former Bush official Richard Perle threw a shoe at Perle. Perle didn’t miss a beat, saying, “You missed, Mrs. McCartney.”

A new luxury hotel will open next month on the site of Adolf Hitler's Alpine retreat, Berchtesgaden. An official for the Intercontinental chain of hotels expressed enthusiasm for the venture, but denied there will be anything special about the soap.

Thursday, officials at the Vatican decried what they called a "religion of health" in affluent societies. “In rich countries, the concept of health as well-being figures in creating unrealistic expectations about the possibility of medicine to respond to all needs and desires," said the Rev. Maurizio Faggioni, a theologian and morality expert on the Vatican's Pontifical Academy for Life. “If Lazarus were alive today, Jesus Christ would have to paint his house or something.”

Thursday, officials at the Vatican decried the presence in affluent societies of what they called “a religion of health.” “We think people should be satisfied with the same old unhealthy religion we’ve been offering for 2,000 years.”