Anybody can learn to write well. I may be wrong about that, but it's what I think. There's nothing special about being able to write well; what is special is being a UNIQUE writer, and (not coincidentally) loving to tell the truth, whatever that is for you. Writers of genius are utterly unique, and love telling the truth more than anything else in the world, more than success or fame or--often--their own happiness.

This is a roundabout way of saying how sorry I was to read this morning that Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide.

The tributes have just begun. They're all distanced and strangely soggy--like the article in a high school newspaper the editor writes after the class rebel gets hit by a train one Saturday night. "We all liked him, but never understood why he was so angry," the editor writes. "It's too bad HST never applied himself. Maybe he could've gotten into Harvard."

HST was a great writer--a brilliant stylist, utterly unique, and loved telling his truth. He was the Suetonius of the American Empire. We desperately need more writers like that, and now everybody will have to start from scratch...Damn.

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This week, cyclist Lance Armstrong announced that he plans to compete in this year’s Tour de France. The announcement shocked many in the sports world, but Armstrong explained it this way: “The fewer testicles you have, the more annoying Sheryl Crow gets.”

Tuesday, a pair of paintings from the famed series depicting dogs playing poker were auctioned off for nearly $600,000. But this is only one way Google’s IPO is transforming American society.

A government study released this week said that Utah, Oregon and states in the deep South have the lowest rates of binge drinking in the country. “The data is clear,” President Bush said. “If we want our children to have a healthy relationship with alcohol, we must limit their access to uppity black folks.”

A government study released this week said that states in the
Midwest and Great Plains have some of the highest rates of binge drinking. The report said the cause could be summed up in a single word: “February.”

Wednesday, leading intelligence officials identified groups associated with al-Qaeda as the greatest threat to the United States. The officials went on to say that the last time they were in the woods, they did indeed step in bear shit.

Tuesday, Michael Jackson was taken to an emergency room with flu-like symptoms. Though they expect a full recovery, the hospital refused Mr. Jackson’s request to be placed in the children’s wing.

Pope John Paul II's latest book, which includes his account of surviving an assassination attempt in 1981, will go on sale in Italy on Feb. 23, the publisher said Wednesday. The book, titled “How to Make Love Like a Cranky Old Polish Dude” is expected to sell poorly.

Wednesday, singer Kid Rock was arrested by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at an adult entertainment club. As he was being led away, the singer shouted, “See? I so CAN get arrested in this town.”

Wednesday, singer Kid Rock was arrested by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at an adult entertainment club. The singer’s agent downplayed the incident, saying, “What you and I would call ‘pointless violence’ Kid Rock considers ‘building his fan base.’”

Wednesday, singer Kid Rock was arrested by Nashville police on charges that he punched a disc jockey at an adult entertainment club. Police said that the singer became enraged after the dj told him, “Get over yourself--strippers say that to everybody.”

Tuesday, Michael Jackson was taken to an emergency room with flu-like symptoms, delaying jury selection in the pop star's upcoming trial. “Sorry,” Jackson mumbled as he was admitted. “The whole fourth grade is sick.”

The Kyoto global warming pact went into force Wednesday, imposing limits on so-called “greenhouse gases” scientists blame for increasing world temperatures, melting glaciers and rising oceans. When global temperatures didn't fall on Thursday, the Bush administration issued this short statement: "In your face, science!”

Many energy analysts predict Americans will be paying more to fill their gas tanks this driving season than they did last year, when gas prices hit record highs. In a related story, Iran just got a lot more evil.

Despite weeks of negotiations, Wednesday the National Hockey League announced that…I’m sorry, has anybody ever heard of this? Is “hockey” some type of sport or something? Oh right—it’s when you stand in a circle and kick that little beanbag…

Thursday, a war protester attending a debate between Howard Dean and former Bush official Richard Perle threw a shoe at Perle. Perle didn’t miss a beat, saying, “You missed, Mrs. McCartney.”

A new luxury hotel will open next month on the site of Adolf Hitler's Alpine retreat, Berchtesgaden. An official for the Intercontinental chain of hotels expressed enthusiasm for the venture, but denied there will be anything special about the soap.

Thursday, officials at the Vatican decried what they called a "religion of health" in affluent societies. “In rich countries, the concept of health as well-being figures in creating unrealistic expectations about the possibility of medicine to respond to all needs and desires," said the Rev. Maurizio Faggioni, a theologian and morality expert on the Vatican's Pontifical Academy for Life. “If Lazarus were alive today, Jesus Christ would have to paint his house or something.”

Thursday, officials at the Vatican decried the presence in affluent societies of what they called “a religion of health.” “We think people should be satisfied with the same old unhealthy religion we’ve been offering for 2,000 years.”

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If you haven't seen Withnail and I, be prepared for a treat. It's a wonderfully funny and endlessly quotable tale of dissolute actors at liberty. I got it at Facets Multimedia, which is where film-lovers go when they die. Then, yesterday, I hunkered down at the Music Box (a repertory theater here in Chicago) for a double-feature. I wasn't planning on it, but after the first movie was over, I walked in to the other screening room to listen to the man playing the organ, and decided to stay. (Yes, I paid.) The first movie was a CBC documentary called The Take, about Argentina's growing movement of workers occupying their old abandoned factories, and putting them back to work. It was really inspiring. The second movie--which was probably even better--was Nobody Knows, a story about four Japanese children who are left alone by their mother. Really wrenching, but beautifully filmed and utterly original.

As to books, I'm reading Stephen Kanfer's great biography of Groucho Marx. My book-collecting compulsion has been letting up a bit recently (mostly because we are slowly being crowded out of this little apartment by books), but I'm sure that's only temporary.

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Judging from the Bush-Cheney site, I expected the White House website to be really lame. Boy, was I WRONG. Check it out!

What's up? Blarnia; nearly done now. And also the plotting of my second comic novel. And also digging out all the various things I wrote from 1987-2000. Now I must seriously ponder what to put up on the Web, and what should remain in a well-deserved obscurity.

By the way, guess what I got for Valentine's Day? This wonderful book. Love means never hearing the Call of Cthulu.

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Thursday, police in North Lauderdale, Florida, reported that a newborn wrapped in a plastic bag was tossed from a speeding car. The baby boy was wearing a t-shirt that said, “I survived Spring Break 2005.”

This week, German media reported that former Fuehrer Adolf Hitler is still receiving mail, even 60 years after his death. “Let this be a lesson to all you young people,” a spokesman said. “Twelve CDs for a penny may seem like a great deal, but…”

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, thousands of couples in the Philippines hope to set a new world record for Most People Kissing at One Time. They also hope to set the record for Biggest Transfer of Cooties.

Lawmakers in North Dakota are trying to pass legislation preventing the tradition of “the power hour”-- drinkers downing 21 shots in the first hour after they turn 21. “The human body can’t process that much alcohol safely,” said a spokesman, “so we’re lowering the drinking age to four.”

A Texas woman accused of giving her husband a lethal sherry enema says he was an alcoholic enema addict who did it to himself. “It was disgusting,” she said, “especially when he drank grasshoppers."

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A young friend of mine wrote a spoof of an incredibly treacly anti-drunk driving poem that circulates periodically around the internet. I thought it was very witty. Here it is:



A Ghost's Lament, or Never Drink, You Could Turn Into A TV Set



Well, I went to a party and got stoned right off my head,

I went to bed; next morning I woke up and I was dead

So hark you all and listen to this cautionary tale

And don't go near drugs or drink, not even real ale.



I thought I'd try a spliff or two; my mates were passing round

A toke, some puff, some crack, some weed, some mushrooms they had found

And then out came the vodka; I greeted it with glee,

Despite the fact it tasted like weak, alcoholic pee.



Someone had brought Campari; my friend had LSD

She took half and then she passed the best bits on to me

I didn't really need it; I was getting pretty high

But I politely took it with some whiskey and some rye.



'Round then things got all blurry; I don't remember much

I think we strangled chickens, or maybe they were ducks

In any case, they tasted great- I loved their bitter blood-

And then we sacrificed a cow and mucked around with mud



I remember then, it must have been around "the witching hour"

That Gemma's head transformed itself into a purple flower

Tanya started screaming- something about a chain

Everyone was raving mad and only I was sane



I think it was about then that Chas ate the margarine,

Dave and Ellie ceased to talk and suddenly went green

Somehow Sophia'd turned into a bowler-hatted snail-

Someone had dialled 999- outside, the sirens wailed.



"The ambulance, police and fire services await"

Blared voices on loudspeakers, but by then it was too late

For Tanya had turned perm'nantly into a video game

And Gemma, Chas and Ellie were incurably insane.



Sophia, Brian, Dave and I were frothing at the mouth

And Eddie had been crippled by the onset of his gout.

Poor Natty had transformed himself into a video set

They couldn't turn him back again; he's in that bedroom yet.



The rest of us were rounded up and taken to the gaol,

Wee Billy was arrested; he's in prison, pending bail

I fell asleep upon the way, so they tucked me up in bed,

But I would never wake again, for I was stone cold dead.



So listen all you teenagers, take this advice from me

And if you're offered drink or drugs, refuse it, let it be.

It really isn't clever and it's certainly not cool,

And if you try it, you'll end up, like me, a bloody ghoul



Please help a poor old ghostie, forward this to everyone

And when it's sent ten thousand times, my time on Earth is done,

So go on, forward this, it really is all for the best,

Don't be heartless, help to lay a poor spirit to rest.

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The link might be dead by the time I post this, but friend Ed Park just alerted me to this excellent piece of Beatle-related humor by Tim Carvell in The New York Times. "Take this bucket o' wings and learn to fly," indeed.

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The Yale Daily News rips the lid off of hookah use in this article.

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