A Horoscope for Dogs

While I'm reading up for my next book I thought I would post some stuff from my archives. I hope you enjoy this one--early echoes of Lon Measly...



A HOROSCOPE FOR DOGS

by Michael Gerber



Aquarius—How many times have you told yourself to live for TODAY? There’s a plate of brownies cooling on the stove--why not knock them to the floor and eat them? So they’re molten. So they’ll give you diarrhea. So what? A moment of bliss is worth a night in “The Cage,” right? Here’s what the stars are saying loud and clear: don't let worries about the future keep you from realizing your wildest dreams today.



Pisces—Like Pisces, the fish, you are powerfully attracted to water. Drinking out of the toilet is only the most common way this urge finds expression. (You can thank retrograde Mercury for that tongue-stinging Ty-d-bol!) This week is a good time to explore the water-loving aspect of your personality further, so don’t be afraid of the hose.



Aries—It’s easy to get hung up on the Big Questions. Why does food smell like food? Why doesn’t the stick always move? Who knows? More importantly, who cares? Concentrate today on the little things: eating, sleeping, eating, sleeping, chasing birds, and sleeping. Sniff a butt or two. Go to the busiest street you can find and snarl traffic by running across it six million times. It’s true—the best things in life really are free.



Taurus—You are Taurus, the bull, which means people admire your stick-to-itiveness, but also think that you can be stubborn. Once you get an idea into your head…and with Mars in your sign, you’re even more likely to not let go of that chewtoy, arm, or get-rich-quick scheme. Some wisdom for all the Tauruses out there: chase your tail if you want, but don’t do it until you fall down.



Gemini—Question, Twin-Dog: isn’t life about enjoying whatever comes your way? If you are offered something wonderful, it’s foolish to refuse it—that opportunity make not come again. The stars say that if you see an unlatched porch door, seize the moment and run away! Your world is an abundant one: full of squirrels, half-eaten food, and dead things. All you have to do is bark “yes.” Go to it, Gemini—find your Heaven!



Cancer—Cancer the Crab hides his feelings behind a hard shell; a true Cancerian, your master can call you and call you and you'll just stare at him. This week, resolve to answer only to your real name, which is in some dog language no person knows. Warning: don’t eat on the 19th; the stuff in your dish will look like your food, but it isn't. Eat a hearty diet of sticks and bark instead.



Leo—Uranus cruises into view, which tells me that your testicles/ovaries are in great danger. There’s a neutering or spaying in your future (or an unfortunate accident, but the stars won’t get into that). Listen closely to any whispered conversations, then fight like a lion, Leo, for your gonads! In times like these, there’s no dishonor in being a “biter.”



Virgo—Saturn appears at week's end, so don’t do anything you might regret--or if you do, pin it on the cat. On the night of the 22nd, the planets’ powerful pull tells you the following: though everything appears absolutely normal, that there’s something terribly wrong in the back yard. Bark loudly and randomly until dawn, and wake everybody up about thirty times.



Libra—Love goddess Venus pops into the picture, which howls “Heads up, pup: Amour is in session!” Dawdle extra long in the park, and try not to lick yourself so much in public.



Scorpio—Dangers abound for Scorpio this week. Best to dig a hole under the porch and stay there. (Obviously you shouldn’t make any big decisions.) Pluto is in retrograde, which means that if you chase cars, you run a higher risk than usual of getting your collar stuck in the rear axle. P.S.—Don’t tangle with any bats you don’t know personally. Rabies…who needs that?



Sagittarius—Listen, Archer-dog: when are you going to take some time for you? Marking your territory, chasing the ball, rolling in something—you’re totally maxed! Planetary alignments say that you need a vacation. Here’s a thought: why not the Dump?



Capricorn—Gemini rising means great news, Goat-pup! Around the 19th, your vet will take the large plastic anti-biting ring off your head. Twin’s bad news is that it is too soon: you'll nibble an itchy spot on your side so incessantly, you'll ll expose an internal organ! (Oops!) Question: are you on your owner’s health insurance?



If Today is Your Birthday, Dog: It’s time to take stock. Resolve this year to do all those things you’ve been putting off—eat some tropical fish right out of the tank, finally catch that raccoon, fix the cat’s Little Red Wagon once and for ALL…With seven dog-years packed into every 12 months, it’s later than you think. And while this new attitude may not get you on Animal Planet, you’re guaranteed to FEEL GREAT!