Another piece from the Archives...

In a moment of cultural insanity that we will be hard-pressed to explain to our descendents, in the mid-90s America went crazy for cigars. Actually, unlike Pet Rocks, the reason for the cigar boom is simple: nicotine, a chemical so addictive that mouth cancer seems like a fair swap.



I smoked ‘em just like everybody else—I quit when I started looking like Burgess Meredith in “Rocky.” Somewhere along the way, I wrote this piece.



THE DIRTY DOZEN

Twelve Cigars to Avoid at All Costs

by Michael Gerber



Once the preserve of cartoon plutocrats and rumpled bookies, cigars now nestle between the lips of people who wouldn’t dream of haunting a boardroom or a racetrack. Even models are smoking them—which begs two questions: “Does Linda Evangelista need another, yet more powerful appetite suppressant?” and “How long before she blinks into another dimension?”



As more and more neophytes light up, I’m here to say that the world of cigars can be a dangerous place. Occasionally there comes one so revolting, so monumentally bad, that even experienced smokers seriously consider seppuku. StogieWatch, a human rights organization based in Miami, posts bulletins on new outrages to the cigarmaker’s art as they appear. I’ve reprinted their most recent list below; look, ye smokers, and tremble!



(PS: All comments are from actual smokers.—MG)



1. Bugs Y Daffy Reservo Especiale

Aesthetics: Cartoon characters on the label is awfully whimsical for a $12.00 cigar.

Flavor: “I feel silly saying this, but it tastes like string.”

Aftertaste: “More string, with undertones of burning rubber.”

Comments: “At first you think, ‘Oh, this is one of those “trick cigars.” But it never explodes. It just keeps on being bad, getting worse. I wish it would have exploded. I wish I would have exploded.”



2. Don Cojones Big Hombre

Aesthetics: Very sturdy construction. Titanium alloy in wrapper makes Big Hombre virtually indestructible. Meets all US military specifications for durability. Matte black, with silver accents. Definitely a two-handed smoke (7 lb, 3 oz).

Flavor: “Somewhat like sardines. Also somewhat like can.”

Aftertaste: “Lasted for three weeks. Went to see doctor.”

Comments: “This cigar was so full-bodied that it knocked me across the room…I’m considering pressing charges.” “After smoking this one, I didn't leave the bathroom for two days. I missed too much work and lost my job.”



3. Telemundo La Uncircumsizo

Aesthetics: The wrapper has the texture and color of old newspaper. In fact, it is old newspaper. Hemingway-style foot.

Flavor: “Sweet and woodsy—like pine-scented disinfectant.” “The heavy smoke envelopes you like a sack full of white-hot needles.”

Aftertaste: “Fierce, uncompromising, bullying, enforcer-like.” “So persistent, it’s hard to tell whether that's an aftertaste or yet more of your wardrobe ruined by the Uncircumsizo.”

Comments: “Name refers to the distinctive shape of the foot; I think it's very uncouth.” “Too Freudian for me, I get the willies when I light one up.”



4. Burly Rascal Demi-Corona No. 3 “Widowmaker”

Aesthetics: Pleasing, even color. Not-so-pleasing death's head on band. Occasional soft spots turned out to be tobacco aphids trapped inside during manufacture.

Flavor: “Smooth, slightly chocolatey—until you hit an aphid, then it goes to hell.”

Aftertaste: “Aphids, but maybe it was in my mind, because I’ve never eaten one before.” “A slight hint of raw eggs, which sent me right over the edge.”

Comments: “This perversion of the cigar maker's art, this calculated insult to cigar-lovers everywhere, should be taken off the market immediately.” “The FDA should be notified about this piece of shit…Heck, the FBI should know, too.”



5. Paul Gargantuan Double Carcinoma

Aesthetics: Well-made. Craftsman-like use of holy water. Cigar sputtered and whined a bit when lit; increased in volume to awful moaning until we were forced by stares of onlookers to put it out.

Flavor: “Incense, and baby’s blood, with hints of tannis root.” “Not as much a flavor as a sense of foreboding—can a tobacco product be cursed?”

Aftertaste: “I kept hearing the word ‘Doom, doom!’ over and over.” “My mouth had to be exorcised by Malaysian witch-doctor/oral surgeon.”

Comments: “The cigar finishes like a racehorse having a seizure: I had to hold it with both hands to smoke the last inch. This could be the cigar, or it could be my body’s way of telling me to stop smoking.” “It stays with you. It makes you do things.”



6. La Idióta Combusto

Aesthetics: Wrapper has tendency to unwrap itself completely without warning and with explosive force, causing cigar to disintegrate into pile of smoldering tobacco. Hot pieces of fine, firm ash spray everywhere.

Flavor: “The Combusto, like cyanide, tastes faintly of bitter almonds. Unfortunately, unlike cyanide, it does not cause death. The truly putrid aftertaste (lingonberries? motor oil?) will make you wish it had.”

Comments: “I had four of these babies fall apart and go down my collar (ouch!) before I could smoke one through. I’m still picking tobacco out of my chest hairs.” “Regular cigars don’t act like this; I don't know what they put in it, but it can't be street legal.”



7. Baffin Island Black Wasp

Aesthetics: Very black wrapper promises a full-bodied smoke—good luck if you can get any. Double-diamond—maximum difficulty.

Flavor: “Damned little.”

Aftertaste: “Saliva, with a little blood.”

Comments: “The draw was so tight that I burst a blood vessel in my brain. I am convalescing nicely, writing this by dictation. It is difficult to remember what I was tasting just before I blacked out, but I seem to remember something very like turpentine. Obviously not worth it.”



8. La Asino Cubano Neville Chamberlain

Aesthetics: At just 1.5 inches long, it's blessedly short. Wrapper is “fashioned from the finest English worsted.”

Flavor: “Mentholatum and chutney, with just a touch of rhubarb.”

Aftertaste: “None, due to frenzied post-cigar mouthwashing.”

Comments: “With a million other cigars out there, smoking this one on purpose is positively masochistic.” “A foul, acrid smoke more commonly associated with industrial accidents than with premium tobacco.” “Puzzling taste, very complex: Confusing, disorienting, debilitating, et cetera.”



9. Brown Recluse Private Stock

Aesthetics: Band portraying grinning poisonous spider is sure to rope in a few macho types. Fine ash that falls to ground with audible clunk. Varicose-veined wrapper. Oily and hard-to-hold.

Flavor: “Probably very similar to kissing a spider, if you could find its lips.”

Comments: “Its disgusting taste is perfectly complimented by smoke just as odious. Makes one think they did it on purpose.” “After a few minutes, I felt my throat closing up in self-defense.” “I told myself that I had to stop, or go mad. I stopped, and won’t smoke it again.”



10. Crikey & Sons Janus

Aesthetics: Half light brown, half black as coal, with a red ring in the middle (“The Danger Zone!”).

Flavor: “The first half is quite pleasant; nutty, woodsy—like smoking a varnished table leg. The second half is bloody murder, like some sort of raw medicine.” “The danger zone has a volcanic effect on the digestive tract.”

Aftertaste: “The two bottles of Pepto necessary to get you back to normal.”

Comments: “Janus, the two-faced Roman God, is eerily appropriate; this cigar is half great, half horrible.” “I threw up, which is saying a lot.” “Perfect for passive-aggressive gifts, backhanded swipes at your boss, obligatory presents to hateful people.”



11. Ernesto Bocattos Buttery Cube

Aesthetics: More suitable as a paperweight, or wrapped in duct tape for playing home run derby.

Flavor: “Hard to pin down: butter? Adhesive?”

Aftertaste: “Did not finish it—played home run derby instead.” “The more we smoked, the more we thought, ‘So this is why people don’t suck cellophane tape.”

Comments: We’re afraid this fledging company’s plucky attempt at creating a new shape, the ‘cube,’ is a monumental failure. Even if your mouth was big enough to comfortably fit around a seven-inch square of tobacco, the volume of smoke produced causes nausea, vomiting, double vision, and—we assume, were we ever to smoke one through— death.”



12. Cuban Show Me Lonsdale

Aesthetics: Veins on wrapper spell out “Beware!” as mandated by the Surgeon General. Very tightly-packed; equally suitable as some sort of nightstick.

Flavor: “Freshly-mown hay. Sweaty farmgirls.”

Aftertaste: “Rotten hay. Really unbathed farmgirls.”

Comments: “The latest ‘Genuine Cuban Cigar’ from the shysters in Cuba, Missouri is proof positive that the Better Business Bureau is for stooges.” “Unapologetic.” “Phobia-inducing.” “I hold this against the entire Midwest.” “It feels like your tongue is being scraped quite briskly, with a hobby knife.” “Smoking this cigar is one of the few things in my life that I truly, truly regret.”